Home alone

It hit us both at about 10:00 last night. Crap. This is all on us now. We've got no nurses checking him through the night, making sure he's safe & sound. Just us. Why did we push to get him home? GULP. Sleep was a bit fractured because our uneasiness at realizing that this isn't just diabetic care anymore, but a much deeper awareness of his frailty and needs.

The hospital sent us home with IV drip bags of the antibiotic and vials so that the local hospital could make more in case they didn't have any in stock. Keith took Jake at 10:00 last night to the St. Stephen hospital emerg and they hooked up his PICC line to a drip for 45 minutes. They went again early this morning - even before I awoke. What a guy.

I have spent the whole morning on phone trying to organize all of the care he'll need and touch bases with doctors and nurses. In speaking with his doctor this a.m. we found out that he's got 2 full weeks more of the antibiotic necessary, and not just 3 days... dang. That changed a lot. Instead of the 3 visits to hospital for the IV's they have set up an antibiotic pump that he'll carry with him in a pack. This will let him do school next week. Poor guy. Like diabetes isn't enough? I am so grateful though for the system in place that will allow him to continue on the meds without having to stay in hospital for that extended time.

The med isn't covered by our insurance and is sky high expensive. We found out that the extra-mural nurse program will be billed instead of us. This is such a gift. 2 weeks of dosing would have crushed our family financially. Social medicine at its finest. Jake's hospital stay, the surgeries & procedures and amazing medical care, even insured in the US would strap a family so deeply that it would take years to climb out of that kind of expense. Generosity and grace at it's most practical level. We are so very grateful.

So while we're "alone" in the 4-of-us sense, we are truly not alone. We are surrounded by friends and a community that is nurturing and supportive. Such a blessing. I read this quote this morning:

"A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten arrows in a bundle"

Japanese Proverb

This past month I have felt the support of our bundle - it has kept us going and in our fragile state from breaking. Thank you.

Sunday update on Jacob

Keith called yesterday (Saturday) to tell me that they are thinking about releasing him TODAY! This is a surprise as Monday was the earliest I heard when I was there. He's scheduled for a chest x-ray and a CBC - so if those things come back without any red flags they are talking about releasing him later today. His endocrinologist is the doctor on call, so he's in really good hands as she's more like his aunt than his doctor. She loves him so.

He has a PICC line that they will leave in and he'll have an antibiotic pump that will dose him 4 times a day/night for the next few days - but it will let him be HOME for March Break and his birthday on Wednesday. Woo Hoo!!

He is quite weak and will need a lot of recovery at home too. He's lost a lot of weight and his hemoglobin is really low. We just can hardly believe all four of us could sleep under the same roof tonight. Hopefully the weather will cooperate as they are forecasting some pretty nasty stuff of all sorts headed our way. I'm hoping the Atlantic takes it all and it misses us completely.

Again, we are still holding our collective breath - so please keep praying. Thank you.

No Vacancy

Being alone with my thoughts and fears at the hospital with Jake these past few weeks has laid me bare in so many places. This quote from Henri Nouwen introduces a concept that I had never heard defined before - it resonates deeply with those bare places I am working through:

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries, saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.