Weezer takes all of the favorite Youtube.com videos and mashes them up into his newest video Pork & Beans - brilliant and seamless and wonderful how he interacts with each character keeping them true to their own personality - so creative!
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
One of my favorite parts of Facebook is reconnecting with people from our past. Because Keith and I have moved so much each, stop on our way has felt like a "past life" of sorts. I know that each time we move we change, and morph and grow - so many times we look very little like the people that we used to be.
Reconnecting with friends from college has been fun, but at times it is also difficult. We went to a very conservative, Plymouth Brethren Bible college - and one of the hardest parts about that is that there have been some who have written us off as heretics because we're no longer a part of "the fold". It's incredible though to me because back then my relationship with God was so one-dimensional and mostly just show - now that we've been written off my relationship with God is real, 3-d and dynamic.
Another difficulty happens because many times we don't bridge the conversation with others because of our own fear of rejection. We'll never know that they might be a lot closer to us in their own journey than we imagine them to be - but because of the fundamental "in and out", "black and white"-ness of that denomination it can make conversations awkward.
One of our friends has crossed the divide with enough friendship and courage to ask some questions though and that means so much to me. I have been trying to articulate some real answers, but because they are so foundational putting answers into words isn't as easy as I'd like it to be. I'd much prefer to sit over a cup of coffee and interact with a face, eyes and another's story than to place something in black and white here on my blog. But this is the medium of the day and Texas is just too far away right now, so this will have to do.
He saw my quotes on my Facebook profile and my sidebar here on my blog and asked me some deep questions about truth and what it means to be a "storyteller of redemptive truth". I think if I could/can articulate this I'd be a happy woman - so taking a first pass at this might help me in this reconstructing process.
Here is the quote he asked about:
"You should always follow the one who seeks truth and run away from the one who has found it".
Andre Gide
I have NO idea who Andre Gide is, and I could look him up - but that would defeat the process of me actually putting my thoughts down, so I will save that for a later date.
This quote articulated for me my much of my deconstruction process. I didn't kick things all apart so that everything would be destroyed. I deconstructed my beliefs and theology because I realized that the very FOUNDATION of what I was taught had fatal flaws and if I didn't get to the roots the regrowth would always have tainted leaves.
This quote gave words to the idea that I have bristled against for so long. I left bible college with a Bachelor of Science degree in Biblical Studies - I spent four years of my life learning everything I could about God, the Bible and theology and left convinced that I had all of the answers, surety and knowledge that would help me face every problem, answer every question and root me into a life of growth that would draw others to it. What actually happened though was the exact opposite.
A decade of trials, loss, depression, addictions, infertility and closed doors that devastated us and left us without community, deep scars from churches who believed these same things, and more questions than we ever had.
Why were the "fields ripe for harvest" and we weren't in ministry? Why were the teenagers we were volunteering with getting pregnant and we were unfit to bear children? Why do people learn when I teach but because I'm a woman I'm unfit? Why is God silent? Why did God ordain all of this mess? Why didn't God stop the violence that happened to me as a child? Why do I have all of this knowledge and so little wisdom? Why is this all in my head and not in my heart? Why, why, why, why?
I began to suspect that the things that I had been told all of my life were "THE TRUTH" might not be the "whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so HELP ME GOD!"
The thing about hitting bottom is that it strips away everything. All I knew is that Jesus said that I could know the truth, and that it would set me free. So the first stone I kept for my new foundation was freedom. Not a wanton "I can do anything I want" carte blanch, but the inner freedom where I actually had solid ground beneath my feet to stand on.
The only way I can articulate what that quote means to me is with story. I have asked God for an image or metaphor to explain what this means to me because my words are so inadequate. So far this is what's come to me.
For me truth is like water - catching it is nearly impossible - the best water, the most life giving water flows free. What so many of the modern theologians and teachers try to do is FREEZE the water into little cubes that can be studied, kept in a safe place and carried out at times as if to say "HERE IS THE TRUTH", see, we found it, it's right here, we can see it, touch it, taste it, KNOW IT because right here we have THE TRUTH.
Those little ice cubes leave me cold. They no more represented the ocean than saying the word "blue" tells you what color the sky is after a storm. I began to realize that the fluidity that truth is, the kind that sets me free cannot be found in those little ice cubes - parts of it might be there, but so much is lost in the specimen. Truth, I found, is to be experienced on the great, grand scale like the Bay of Fundy, not in the little trays I keep in my freezer.
So in keeping with my metaphor I would translate the quote like this:
"You should always follow those who can take you to where the living water runs and run away from those who trap it in their kitchens."
Heidi Turner :)
My favorite author, Parker Palmer, uses a phrase in "A Hidden Wholeness" that I like, he says "Tell the truth, but tell it slant" He doesn't mean anything shifty by that - what he is talking about is using stories to articulate the truth. Metaphor and images can many times express a thought far more rich and true than our feeble words are able.
This is why Jesus told stories. They're portable. Each hearer throughout the centuries has heard them told again and again - and they are alive and rich and full of life giving water. The first time I hear it I take away something rich and life giving. The next time I am blessed by something fresh and new - each time the story is alive and breathing, not frozen like a specimen in a lab. It's like speaking in italics - making room for the spirit to breathe life into the words.
That is why I run from those who claim they have it all right, figured out and encapsulated for my easy consumption. Those ice cubes freeze my soul.
I guess this is the week for links to my blogger buddies - my friend Elizabeth has been a kindred soul for years. She's a missionary in Montenegro and has also been working on her Masters degree. I hope she doesn't mind, but I'm quoting her post here in toto because it so resonates with what I have recently voiced in Reconstructing Heidi and Leaning into the Fear. Please make sure to go to her blog though to leave comments about her profound words there!
"I just finished re-reading Confessions of a Beginning Theologian (which I’ve quoted before here and have posted a brief reaction to on my Reading in 2008 page). It’s an autobiographical book which describes the author’s journey from a fundamentalist upbringing to becoming a professor of Systematic theology. So much of what Fraser writes about her struggle to find her own voice and to speak confidently (without fear of what other people think) resonates with me. And it resonates not just in the context of being a woman who is venturing into the male-dominated world of theology, but also in the broader context of day-to-day life and relationships. Take the following quote for example:
I began finding my public voice…. I began speaking from my heart. Reluctantly, I gave up my lifelong habit of watching myself out of the corner of my eye. I stopped trying to phrase things so that no one could possibly disagree with me. Word by word, I learned to speak just as I was — not as I thought I ought to be, and not as I thought others wanted me to be. I began paying attention to others’ responses and mine, instead of rushing ahead to the next thing I wanted to say. It was like learning to dance. Practice, practice, practice. Three steps backward, one step forward. (Elouise Renich Fraser, Confessions of a Beginning Theologian, 1998, IVP)
Oh how I wrestle with that same issue: wanting to phrase things in such a way that no one will be hurt or offended, so that no one can misunderstand or disagree. This is not because I don’t have definite, strong opinions about a variety of issues, it’s because I am sometimes uncomfortable with the impact that my words may have on others. Even here, on this blog, there are topics I stray away from because I know that there are those among my dedicated readers who probably disagree with my way of thinking about certain issues. I’m challenged to stop being afraid of my own voice and to learn to join the conversation in a new way. I’m pondering what that might look like at this stage in my life."
Thank you Elizabeth - it is astounding to read my thoughts and fears outside of my own head. I can't wait to read that book you highlighted and learn how to dance myself.
I have "known" my dear blogger friend Jen Lemen since I fell deeply in love with her words back in 2003. This love affair has gone through so many incarnations and forms. Through it all she has always remained true to her deepest inner voice and has never strayed from her passion to inspire each of us to be our truest selves through generosity, kindness and friendship.
Jen is a firefly. She lights up everywhere she goes - and she goes EVERYWHERE! Her newest adventure will take her on SUNDAY to Rwanda to meet her neighbor's daughter Grace & Lillian. Grace is suffering from TB and as of last week they weren't sure if she'd make it. Their lovely, vivacious mother Odette is Jen's inspiration and they have collaborated on an amazing project - they have published a Zine together of a story Odette wrote and Jen illustrated.
It is HOT OFF THE PRESSES and a limited edition of 350 are being sold on etsy.com - when I just purchased mine there were only 191 left! All proceeds go to help Odette with the cost of getting her daughter Grace the medical care she needs to survive this horrible sickness and God willing bring them safely to America.
Please support this amazing work - it's teaching girls in Rwanda about micro business and community - a beautiful true story from Odette's childhood:
Faced with limited resources and a hard-knock life in the refugee camps of Uganda, the spirited Odette (7) decides to take matters into her own hands by creating a cooperative to sell chicken eggs with the help of her brother, Innocent (9) and a small group of friends. By pooling their resources, the children are able to buy what they need, pay school tuition for five friends and serve as an informal micro-loan service to the adults in their community.
This true story (written in Kinyarwanda with English translation on each page) functions not only as a girls' empowerment piece but also as an effective tool for building literacy in two languages. Author Odette Umurerwa's message of self-confidence, determination and hope will encourage Rwandan and American girls (along with adults of all ages!) to utilize whatever resources they have to make the world a better place.
Jen Lemen's light-filled illustration bring hope and beauty to the pages. Original watercolor paintings were scanned and digitally prepared to add life and color to this amazing book.
Just read this in a comment on the Jesus Creed blog by John L and didn't want to loose it:
In his Letters from Prison, Bonhoeffer shared something of great importance,
"I often ask myself why a 'Christian instinct' often draws me more to the religionless people than to the religious, but which I don’t in the least mean with any evangelizing intention, but, I might almost say, “in brotherhood.” While I’m often reluctant to mention God by name to religious people – because that name somehow seems to me here not to ring true, and I feel myself to be slightly dishonest (it’s particularly bad when others start to talk in religious jargon; I then dry up almost completely and feel awkward and uncomfortable) – to people with no religion I can on occasion mention him by name quite calmly and as a matter of course..."
I am a storyteller of redemptive truth. God wastes nothing. Discovering the redemption in this story we find ourselves in is the joy of my life.
I am living my story out loud for the first time in 40 years. It's big, colorful and lively. As my husband likes to describe me, "Heidi is an open book, but not a short read."
I am finally defining myself as something other than a 'pastor's wife' or mother. I am a woman, an artist, a storyteller, a writer and a teacher. None of these areas are as fully developed as I'd like them to be, but that's why I'm here. Welcome to my blog!
