Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm getting older too...

This time of year makes me very nostalgic. Fall has a way of slowing me down inside, pondering, reflecting and watching. It's also a time of celebration. Thanksgivings - both of them, Canadian & American bring tucking in times with family and friends. It's also the season I grow up. This birthday is bringing much emotion and internalization this year. 41. Wow. 41.

40 didn't phase really me - I looked at it like I was beginning something new - and that is still here, but this feels different somehow. It's not the age or getting old part of this I feel, this just that 41 feels so real somehow. 41.

My mother Bobbie died at 43, so much of life left unlived somehow. 2 years. I can't imagine what that would mean to me to only have two years left. To struggle with sickness, facing death and separation from Keith and my children. Two years? I know that's not reality, but most children who's parents die young face this benchmark with a bit of fear and loathing. There is still so much left I long to do.

My father didn't think he'd live past his father's age when he died. The celebration that marked that year he did was great. I know that pretending I don't feel it at all doesn't make it go away. So being present to the emotion it brings up within me is something I can learn from, something that can bring life, instead of death.

October 13th is my birthday, but I also celebrate the 14th as it marks an anniversary of my abstinence and recovery. It has been 7 years of one day at a time linked together to bring me to where I am today. For that I am truly grateful and hopeful and filled with wonder.

Seven years ago today my life was at it's lowest place possible. It seems like two lifetimes ago. It really was somehow.

One of the gifts that I've been given this past week is the lyrics to a song that was important to me long ago. I was searching iTunes for Songbird, by Fleetwood Mac and remembered Landslide - I'm sorry, but the Dixie Chicks version was nice, but not nearly as moving as the original. While looking I saw that Stevie released a later acoustic version on AOL Sessions in 2003 and her voice is gritty and aged and it's richer and deeper and speaks to the journey I have been on too since that song originally touched my heart.

The imagery in the lyrics means so much more now - the child within, the ocean tides, the seasons of my life. Each of those speaks to where I have come the farthest on this 40 year journey called my life. What a gift. As I cooked turkey and chopped potatos this weekend I just kept listening to a short playlist I had put together, tears streaming down my face. Feeling the deep emotion that this season of my life is brining up within me. Yes, I'm getting older too.

Landslide, Stevie Nicks

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down


Amy A. said...

Happy Birthday, Heidi Renee. xoxo

Sarah Louise said...

Happy Birthday!

I have never really understood the lyrics to this song...

Anonymous said...

Hey Heidi - Happy Belated Birthday. L was given tickets to a Fleetwood Mac concert a year or so ago, it was a most poignant moment - to watch older Stevie sing this song as young Stevie was projected on a screen behind her. L's dad was 49 when he died, this is L's 49th year. Each of his siblings have shared what a relief it was to make it thru their 49th, and how the year itself was difficult too. It has been so for L. We are both looking forward to 50. Love you friend. 41 looks good on you.

Anonymous said...

I've always liked this song, but now facing an uncertain future with my business, spouse and turning 42 in 2 weeks, this song (many others too) have hit home with me.

thank you for sharing your experience and I truly understand the crying to a songlist, mine is ever-growing. Happy Easter.