Perspective

At night, as I lie in the camp on my plank bed, surrounded by women and girls...dreaming aloud, quietly sobbing and tossing and turning, I am sometimes filled with an infinite tenderness. And I lie awake for hours, letting the impressions of a much-too-long day wash over me. And I pray, "Let me, oh Lord, be the thinking heart of these barracks." That's what I want to be.... The thinking heart of a whole concentration camp. I lie here patiently, and now calmly, and feel a lot better. I feel strength returning. I've stopped making plans and worrying about risks. Happen what may, it's bound to be for the good.

Source: An Interrupted Life: the Journal of a Young Jewish Woman, Etty Hillesum

This is exactly what I needed today - perspective.

Oh to be a thinking heart in the midst of my circumstances.

via Inward/Outward

The Old Sow

As part of the masters program I am participating in we are in the middle of intensive classes right now. One of them is a spiritual direction class taught by my friend Lorna. She is leading us through some Ignatian prayer exercises and we began the class by recalling a memory that happened while we were preparing for this module.

Because I live local to the university I got to play this past weekend instead of having to worry about packing and traveling like so many of my fellow students. On Saturday my family and friends joined a tour of the Passamaquoddy Bay to see the whales, seals and local sites. It was a joy to introduce our kids to the 60' fin whale just feet from our boat and see the joy on their faces as they connected with such beauty.

My favorite part of the trip was after that though when our boat found The Old Sow whirlpool. The thing about the Old Sow is that you have to be at the right place at the right time, and we were. It was a moon tide, and we were there at high tide and it was like being a potato in a big boiling pot of stew. Our boat sat atop the swirling, churning water, surrounded by the chaos. The convergence of the bays meeting the ocean while the tide changes churns up the water unlike any other place in the world. It felt somehow prepared by God. I knew it was special. I didn't know why, but it's promise stayed with me and I knew that it's richness would pull forward and unpack itself in a profound and powerful way.

This was the memory I recalled in Lorna's class. I don't know why I chose it, or rather why it chose me, but I spoke of it there and have been chewing on it since.

For those of you who know me personally you may know that I struggle with food addiction and body image. You also know that I love a good metaphor like little else in the world. I figured these things were somehow tied together but I couldn't really noodle them out. I have thought about it during any moment of free time I have found these past couple of days.

The first thing I began to think about was the name "The Old Sow". As a large woman I am very sensitive to animal names used in conjunction with fat people - cow, pig, whale. Sow is a word deep with cruelty in my language memories and I tried to think of all of the reasons that it might have been used to name this geographical phenomenon.

We used to live next to a pig farm for a season and I am very familiar with the vivid sight, smell, violence and noise an "old sow" brings to mind. Very little of it was positive. I began to sit with the emotion that word brought to my mind. My body has been feeling so old to me lately. I look at my hands and feet and see the skin's elasticity is retreating and I am left in my weight loss with more wrinkles and less beauty. I catch my image in the mirror when changing and understand it's not just my hands and feet that are showing their age. I begin to connect with these words on a cellular level. Old Sow. I breathe. I know. I feel my age and my body around me.

Much of the scars my body bears come from birthing my beautiful children. Nursing them to life and growth. Kind of like that old sow. She has been faithful to her vocation. She has given herself well to her place in life. She has fulfilled the call on her life well. Birth. Nutrients. Protection.

And then I remembered the wildlife we saw at the whirlpool. This place was one of the richest places on earth for the whales, birds, seals and porpoises we saw surrounding us. That Old Sow was feeding everyone. Life was continuing to churn and grow because of that Old Sow. This fertile place was continually a place of life, a place of bounty.

I remember back to a word that was spoken to me before we moved here. I called a friend who had been dear to me and was mentoring me in our last church with excitement to tell her of our decision to move here. She said "Oh Heidi, you don't want to move to New Brunswick. New Brunswick is barren."

That word hung around my neck for months. You see I had 9 years of infertility, an infertile woman understands barren. I have lived through barren years and greatly feared more. I remember finally mustering the courage to talk about this one day and it was then that I decided then to give that word back.

New Brunswick has been the richest, most fertile place we have ever lived. I am constantly amazed at the depth of soul, the beauty that surrounds us and the abundance of riches we have received since we have lived here. The Old Sow reminded me again of THIS place. This place where my feet walk, where I am placing down roots. It is life giving. Is sustaining. Is nurturing and mothering to me.

The Old Sow speaks of the feminine to me. The mothering and grandmothering that I have so longed for in my life. The place where so many things converge, join and journey on, just like that place in the water.

This place, this person, this body, this soul - rich, fertile, life giving, bountiful, abundant, feminine, maturing, deep, changing and faithful.

This is the place I will feed and feed others.

I Love to Tell the Story

What a wonderful experience Sunday was for me. Other than being sick and hyper from the cold medicine I took I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The picture is of my new storyteller statue that I got for Mother's Day. I used it for the background of the power point slides.

Here's the link to the talk, I'd love any feedback if you do listen to it:

I Love to Tell the Story

Beloved Beginner

I guess this is the week for links to my blogger buddies - my friend Elizabeth has been a kindred soul for years. She's a missionary in Montenegro and has also been working on her Masters degree. I hope she doesn't mind, but I'm quoting her post here in toto because it so resonates with what I have recently voiced in Reconstructing Heidi and Leaning into the Fear. Please make sure to go to her blog though to leave comments about her profound words there!

Beloved Beginner - Speaking in My Own Voice

"I just finished re-reading Confessions of a Beginning Theologian (which I’ve quoted before here and have posted a brief reaction to on my Reading in 2008 page). It’s an autobiographical book which describes the author’s journey from a fundamentalist upbringing to becoming a professor of Systematic theology. So much of what Fraser writes about her struggle to find her own voice and to speak confidently (without fear of what other people think) resonates with me. And it resonates not just in the context of being a woman who is venturing into the male-dominated world of theology, but also in the broader context of day-to-day life and relationships. Take the following quote for example:

I began finding my public voice…. I began speaking from my heart. Reluctantly, I gave up my lifelong habit of watching myself out of the corner of my eye. I stopped trying to phrase things so that no one could possibly disagree with me. Word by word, I learned to speak just as I was — not as I thought I ought to be, and not as I thought others wanted me to be. I began paying attention to others’ responses and mine, instead of rushing ahead to the next thing I wanted to say. It was like learning to dance. Practice, practice, practice. Three steps backward, one step forward. (Elouise Renich Fraser, Confessions of a Beginning Theologian, 1998, IVP)

Oh how I wrestle with that same issue: wanting to phrase things in such a way that no one will be hurt or offended, so that no one can misunderstand or disagree. This is not because I don’t have definite, strong opinions about a variety of issues, it’s because I am sometimes uncomfortable with the impact that my words may have on others. Even here, on this blog, there are topics I stray away from because I know that there are those among my dedicated readers who probably disagree with my way of thinking about certain issues. I’m challenged to stop being afraid of my own voice and to learn to join the conversation in a new way. I’m pondering what that might look like at this stage in my life."

Thank you Elizabeth - it is astounding to read my thoughts and fears outside of my own head. I can't wait to read that book you highlighted and learn how to dance myself.

Want to be perfect?

Reading today from "Praying with Jesus, Eugene Peterson" - June 5th. I was surprised by the tone of this small/mondo beyondo verse:

"If you wish to be perfect, go, sell your possessions, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." Matthew 19:21

The young man thought he had kept the Levitical command, "Love your neighbor as yourself," but it had never occurred to him that his neighbor might be the poor man, and love might have something to do with how he spent his money.

Who are some of the unseen neighbors in your life?

PRAYER: I know the commands, O God, but I need your help in seeing the people and circumstances where my obedience is commanded. Open my hands that have been clutching possessions; open my eyes, too long blind, to certain neighbors. Amen.

Psalms

My friend Erin has linked to a blog in Austrailia called [hold :: this space] and the author, Cheryl Lawrie has been ministering at Port Phillip Prison and helping the prisoners to express their souls with Psalms. They are the most moving pieces of writing I've read in quite some time. I would love to facilitate this type of writing for a group. I know many of us blogged our own Psalm 23 a couple of years ago, but this free-form Psalm writing is incredible, and these men's honesty of soul is so touching:

[hold :: this space] - Psalms
[hold :: this space] - Psalms of Hope, Love, Fear and Despair
[hold :: this space]- the bits that were missing - Psalms of Boredom

Disturbed

I needed this today:

It was Argentinian doctor and pop-revolution icon Che Guevara who said, as he was leaving Cuba for Africa, "Let me say, at the risk of seeming ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love."

But lovers are hard to come by. And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about. We are trying to raise up an army not simply of street activists but of lovers - a community of people who have fallen desperately in love with God and with suffering people, and who allow those relationships to disturb and transform them.

Source: The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne

via - Inward/Outward

Organize this...

Part of this process of redemption that I go on about here is that I believe God wastes nothing. He calls forward pieces of our story from the past to be used in the present for the Kingdom. Part of my past was about 3 years spent running a closet/organization store in the west end of Hamilton, Ontario. It was called "The Closet Wizard" - the Wizard was one of my favorite people I had the opportunity to know in Hamilton, Charles. He was a Jewish, South African husband and father who was so much fun to be around. I kind of fell into the job but found that it suited my skill set well.

I am a helper by nature, I never wanted to be, but it just is resident inside of me. I can't stand in the grocery store without noticing someone who can't reach something or who has a question about a product I've used on their face. I am the person you regularly ask "do you work here?"

During the whole time of my employment at said closet store I mourned the fact that we longed for ministry and God closed the door and here I was stuck organizing rich people's closets. I promised myself in that time that if I could ever use this skill in the kingdom that I would do so willingly and make some sense about why I lived that piece of the puzzle of my life. And I have been able to keep that promise in strange and wonderful way - from organizing retired missionaries closets on vacation in Florida as they were panicked about how they were going to downsize into a tiny condo to helping young mothers make the most out of their kids small space and find a way to get things out of site and out of mind.

You can't believe the way women's eyes glaze over when they hear that I have this skill set - they get all dreamy and distant as they think about how many more shoes they could fit into the spaces they have if they just had them organized. Guys, the way to a woman's heart is not only jewelery - organize her closets and you will be her friend for life!

It truly is a life-giving enterprise. I never realized it at the time, but having a place for people to put things away and find them again makes life easier. How much time do we spend tripping over things or looking for the lost items? Maybe if we all were a bit more organized the world might be a less chaotic place to be? Closets for world peace? Well, that might be a bit much, but I tell you this because today I have the opportunity to put my promise into action.

I have prayed for quite some time here that way would open into the community here for me to begin to use my gifts and learn from those doing the work. I have a pretty big personality. Being in a new culture (yes, the Maritimes have a distinct culture all their own - anyone not born here is from "away" - and those of us from "away" have much to learn from this large hearted, kind, centered people) the last thing I want it to bust into a place that is already doing great work and tell them how it should be done. I have seen it happen far too often, in my mission class in college it was termed "Big Bwana Syndrome" - I never wanted to be Big Bwana. I want to learn - but there is something I miss sometimes if way does not open. My big feet tramp down in ways that I miss many times.

This opportunity is too precious to me to step on any toes or blunder in a look like I know what I'm doing. So I am honored for this opportunity, but there is trepidation in my heart. I long to offer my skills and yet learn at the same time. It is new for me. Far too many times I promise what I am unable to deliver - and it is my prayer today that I refrain from doing just that. God help me to keep a reign on my tongue, to sense your leading and not my own here. To listen more than speak and to live in the moment of opportunity - helping others, instead of trying to make myself look more important.

Today I get to go to the Volunteer Centre (our local food bank) and help Donna, the woman who has been doing the work so well for so many years, with the basement of the centre. For those of you who have been following my story for a time, you will know how deeply this opportunity moves me. Please pray for me.