Two Middle Schoolers!

First Day of Middle School
Grade 8 for Alinea
Grade 6 for Jacob

 

Turner Family Update

You have all been so patient - I apologize that I have gone silent. With the end of March break all three of us, Ali, Jacob & I went back to school. I am in the middle of my last two week intensive for my masters degree - and have had to focus on school. I just finished up my afternoon class and my brain is filled to the brim and I am both mentally and physically exhausted.

No news has been good news on Jacob. There has been two days of a lot of pain (Monday & Friday) where he left school - but Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were all three full days of school. He's had no fevers, his blood work came back with numbers that made the doctor happy and the extra mural nurse just finished hooking up his last IV bag of antibiotics. By 5:00 tomorrow night he will be free of the pump and we'll be heading to outpatient to get his PICC line removed!!!

His scar is healing well and other than the muscles knitting themselves back together and causing quite a bit of pain he is doing quite well. He's not got all of his energy or weight back yet - so we'd still appreciate your prayers - but he it is so good to have our boy back.

Alinea is doing well, she's getting ready to enter her TEEN years in less than a month (April 10th) and we're planning a blessing service/party for her.

Keith has been pulling way more than his normal load through both the sickness and school - and I am constantly amazed at how capable he is and we are regularly blessed by his incredible talents in the kitchen.

By the end of next week I will have completed all of the study terms of my program - except the travel term (Greece/Turkey this time next year) and my thesis work. It hardly seems possible that soon I'll be able to be doing reading again that I pick instead of all of the assigned reading I've been doing (or avoiding) for the past two years. I can't wait as I've got a stack of books waiting to be read.

Thanks again for your prayers, encouragement and support during this past month - we are so happy to see the beginning of the hope of spring here and the backside of winter. We shall kiss it goodbye and good riddance. It's been a long season and we're ready for new growth.

You are someone's favorite unfolding story

Sarah Louise highlighted Ann Patchett's commencement address at Sarah Lawrence this year and it was just what I needed to hear.

The answer to the question What now is never what you think it's going to be, and that is the thing that every writer has to learn. I came to understand that fiction writing was like duck hunting. You go to the right place at the right time with the right dog. You get into the water before dark, wearing a little protective gear, stand behind some reeds and wait for the story to present itself. This is not to say you are passive. You choose the place and the day. You pick the gun and the dog. You have the desire to blow the duck apart for reasons that are entirely your own. But you have to be willing to accept not what you wanted to happen, but what happens. You have to write the story you find in the circumstances you've created, because more often than not the ducks don't show up. The hunters in the next blind begin to argue and you realize they're in love. You see a snake swimming in your direction. Your dog begins to shiver and whine and you start to think about this gun that belonged to your father. By the time you get out of the marsh you will have written a novel that is so devoid of ducks it will shock you. It took me a long time of standing still and being quiet to figure out what in retrospect appears to be a pretty simple lesson: writing a novel and living a life are very much the same thing. The secret is finding the balance between going out to get what you want and being open to the thing that actually comes your way."

Listen here: Ann Patchett Sarah Lawrence Commencement Speech 2008

Beloved Beginner

I guess this is the week for links to my blogger buddies - my friend Elizabeth has been a kindred soul for years. She's a missionary in Montenegro and has also been working on her Masters degree. I hope she doesn't mind, but I'm quoting her post here in toto because it so resonates with what I have recently voiced in Reconstructing Heidi and Leaning into the Fear. Please make sure to go to her blog though to leave comments about her profound words there!

Beloved Beginner - Speaking in My Own Voice

"I just finished re-reading Confessions of a Beginning Theologian (which I’ve quoted before here and have posted a brief reaction to on my Reading in 2008 page). It’s an autobiographical book which describes the author’s journey from a fundamentalist upbringing to becoming a professor of Systematic theology. So much of what Fraser writes about her struggle to find her own voice and to speak confidently (without fear of what other people think) resonates with me. And it resonates not just in the context of being a woman who is venturing into the male-dominated world of theology, but also in the broader context of day-to-day life and relationships. Take the following quote for example:

I began finding my public voice…. I began speaking from my heart. Reluctantly, I gave up my lifelong habit of watching myself out of the corner of my eye. I stopped trying to phrase things so that no one could possibly disagree with me. Word by word, I learned to speak just as I was — not as I thought I ought to be, and not as I thought others wanted me to be. I began paying attention to others’ responses and mine, instead of rushing ahead to the next thing I wanted to say. It was like learning to dance. Practice, practice, practice. Three steps backward, one step forward. (Elouise Renich Fraser, Confessions of a Beginning Theologian, 1998, IVP)

Oh how I wrestle with that same issue: wanting to phrase things in such a way that no one will be hurt or offended, so that no one can misunderstand or disagree. This is not because I don’t have definite, strong opinions about a variety of issues, it’s because I am sometimes uncomfortable with the impact that my words may have on others. Even here, on this blog, there are topics I stray away from because I know that there are those among my dedicated readers who probably disagree with my way of thinking about certain issues. I’m challenged to stop being afraid of my own voice and to learn to join the conversation in a new way. I’m pondering what that might look like at this stage in my life."

Thank you Elizabeth - it is astounding to read my thoughts and fears outside of my own head. I can't wait to read that book you highlighted and learn how to dance myself.

Leaning into the fear

I have always wanted to learn how to sail. The excitement of the wind in your hair, the freedom on the water and the romance of the lifestyle the boating crowds I grew up with in my home town of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin spoke of a natural, carefree control.

Watching an accomplished sailor is like watching a talented dancer. Effortless, graceful, knowing the next moves far before they are necessary. I remember whipping across the lake as a child feeling like there was nothing that could hold me back. So natural, so fluid. I know now that sailing is a lot of hard work, reading the wind, instructing your crew, avoiding the other watercraft and years of practice. And it starts with many summers in the Sunflower turtled and paddle kicking it back to the dock because you just can't find the wind. I know it's not all grace and beauty - but when it does work it takes my breath away. I can hear the pinging of the sails on the mast even now if I close my eyes and go back there. As real as the birds outside my window as I type. It is my happy place. The place in my mind I go to when I need calm.

I took this picture last September when Keith and I were celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary on Mt. Desert Island and Bar Harbor. I think it's on Somes Sound and it transported me back to my teen years instantly - watching this sailboat track across the water. It was lightning fast and really playing with the strong wind. This is adventure sailing - not the timid kind I grew up with - our lake was so populated with water craft you could never gain the speed this sailor was flying with. There were times when the sail was nearly sideways. Either he really knew what he was doing or he was just plain lucky he didn't flip. It was a beautiful boat on a gorgeous day. We had to pull over the car just to watch.

I have been frozen lately. Frozen by fear. I shared at our small group on Friday that it's both fear of failing and fear of success that is icing my soul. What if the biggest, best idea I have doesn't have the wheels it needs to even write my thesis, let alone find a publisher. But again, what if it does and changes everything. Both fears loom so large in my mind's eye. I realized that they had crippled me into giving up.

I spoke with my friend Ed the other day about what I had voiced at group and he said these words to me "What if you leaned into the fear?"

The words stopped me short.

Changing perspectives lately has changed everything for me. What if the fear I was feeling wasn't my enemy, but my friend? What if it would provide the energy I need to actually finish what I have started? What if I used that energy the fear creates in me to power me toward doing the work that is in front of me instead of avoiding it. Could it really change everything?

What would leaning into the fear look like? Instantly I saw this sailboat slicing across the waves. The wind filling every inch of it's sails and taking that boat everywhere it needed to go. So today, I am leaning. Resting in the resistance that the fear in me creates. Maybe it is my friend. Maybe I've just been looking at it from the wrong perspective.

All Saints Day

Here in Southeastern New Brunswick we are reminded regularly of the saints in everyday life. So many of our towns, St. Stephen included are named after them. The hip way to refer to a destination around here is to shorten it to it's nickname - "I'm going to The Fred" (for Fredericton) while we live in "The Steve". Unfortunately Saint John looses much of it's charm with it's shortened name.

I love the saints now as I have spent much time with Francis, Ignatius, Catherine of Sienna, Mother Teresa, Teresa of Avila and Thérèse de Lisieux through their writings and stories. They are precious friends to me.

Growing up Plymouth Brethren we were indoctrinated into understanding that WE ARE ALL SAINTS and there is nothing special or important about those through history who were bestowed the title Saint. I would beg to differ (who me?) that there just aren't enough titles given out for those who have made their lasting, gentle impact on the church and our lives.

My good friend, Matthew Glock has blogged today about the saints in his life who have gone before that might not have been given a title by the church, but have made a deep impact on his life. One of his list has brought back such fond memories for me as we shared classes together at Emmaus Bible College during the last years of this professors life. John W. Harper was a man among men and taught me much of the saints.
Mr. Harper was the first person who introduced me to my soul. Up until that point it had all been about my head. Reason and logic where going to save me, knowledge was my idol and Mr. Harper cracked that door to story, poetry, art and beauty.

My favorite times were the private lessons he taught me. The college had relocated from Oak Park, Illinois to Dubuque, Iowa and took over the Thomas Aquinas Catholic Seminary. All of the crucifixes were stripped of the dying Christ, but the crosses, altars and the stained glass windows were made of far to precious stuff to remove. The marble chapel was the most spacious indoor place of worship I was ever graced with and I spent much time in there surrounded by these vast saints, in all their glory, depicted in 20 foot stained glass down the sides of this glorious room. There must have been 20 of them in total. I am so sad that I never did get pictures of them.

Mr. Harper would find me in there enjoying the quiet and give me lessons on all the saints. He'd explain why that guy had an ax in his head and this one had a sword. He knew so much and was such a rich, gentle soul. I loved him dearly. I was yearbook editor the year he passed and I dedicated it to him. This was the page. I give you St. John of the Marble Chapel. Thank you sir for helping me find my soul.

My birthday wish

This is the story from The StoryPeople today:

Wish for your deepest desires, she said &
when I asked if they'd come true,
she said they always do,
so you might as well get them out in the open
while you're still young enough
to correct any serious mistakes.

I thought it was appropriate for my birthday. 42. My mom died when she was 43. I never understood, really understood, how young she was. I was 21, she seemed old to me. She was so sick I think her body was much older than the calendar said by the end. And her soul was definitely much older, chronic illness has a way of doing that to some people. Most of my conscious interaction with her as a child was colored by the knowledge that she was ill and dying.

43. Until about three months ago I thought she died when she was 42. I had forgotten she had a birthday before she died. There is something that happens to a child when their parents die young. It's somehow a date stamp in the psyche that says "here and no further" - I can't explain it, but I have talked with others and it is a shared fear. I have learned in my 42 years that fears only get bigger when you don't talk about them - that they loom bigger and darker when they are hidden away and actively ignored.

So today my birthday wish is for a year of change. A year of hope. A year of freedom from fear. I begin classes for my masters program on Monday. This is a big step for me. I have a lot of fear here too. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Both options bring me a lot of fear. It's easier to live the familiar life I have now, but it's definitely not nearly as interesting.

I now know that 42 is young. 20 years of marriage. 42 years of life. I truly feel like I am just growing into all of this - like the best is still out there. This second journey gives me great hope and I can't wait to see where it takes me. Happy Birthday Heidi.

Easy Reading

Ha! I doubt it will be easy, but there is the possibility that Keith & I will have massive amounts of reading to do in the near future. We are debating starting the Masters in Ministry as a module program this October. Because we would be deciding late there is tons of reading to catch up with. I know many of you have done/are doing post graduate work and I was wondering if you have any tips or help you can offer this old brain of mine for reading.

I love to read, but mostly for enjoyment. Reading for assignment hasn't happened in over 20 years now (yikes) and I usually read now to slow my mind down and put myself to sleep at night - it's been a great discipline for rest, but not for study - and some of this reading is the kind that could put you to sleep anyway! :P

Any tips, recommendations or advice would be SO APPRECIATED!! Also any prayers as we discern the start date would also be welcome!