Friday, June 25, 2010

Splitting my world wide open

"Most writers, like most children, need to tell.

The only problem is that much of what they need to tell will provoke the ire of parent-critics, who are determined to tell writer-children what they can and cannot say.

Unless you have sufficient ego and feel entitled to tell your story, you will be stymied in your effort to create.

You think you can't write, but the truth is you can't tell.

Writing is nothing if not breaking the silence."

Image Credit - Tara F - Slow Traveler

I ended last year with this quote. It summed up where I had been in my inability to blog and give voice to my thoughts. Sadly, six months later, this is still true. Now that school is over and I have a bit more time on my hands I'd like to change that, and I think that taking a risk is the best way to begin.

Anyone who really knows me can tell you that I am quite able to give voice to things that most people would or could never say out loud - I am able to talk about the things that silence most people.

Ironically the thing that silences me is that I have a voice. That I am a teacher, even a preacher and that I have opinions and beliefs that might be different than those around me. I have not wanted to bear the rejection that could come with owning that.

It feels like a big risk. My blog isn't a random internet address anymore, it's linked to my Facebook page and hundreds of friends who have known me throughout my life. Many of those from a time when I was silent and head-covered.

I do not want to hurt or offend or ostracize any of those people or myself, or to provoke their ire, but I long to own who I am and what I am and stop being ashamed of that any longer.

"By their fruit, you will know them."

The crazy thing is that when I am given the opportunity to teach there is fruit. Good, wholesome fruit. I am not a rebel by any means, but owning this feels so rebellious, so risky. So I asked myself, what are the real risks?

Will owning this make me loose some friends on Facebook?

Possibly, but as I'd tell my kids they probably weren't my real friends in the first place.

Will it cause me to be secretly judged?

Always - I can't seem to do anything without that happening.

So why then should I stay silent?

Why then should I not own this very important part of myself?

I truly have no idea.

All I know is that it feels so risky.

I love this part of me, I treasure it, it feels like the pearls of my life - and I know I have no control over the audience. I don't know if it would even find their radar screens, but what I do know is that there are so many people I adore who do truly love me for who I am. I am in a place where my voice is heard, welcomed and invited. I have a place at the table, and I treasure it.

Another quote I found while looking for the one above made me feel warm inside:

Source: Muriel Rukeyser,From Cries of the Spirit, edited by Marilyn Sewell

Crack, crack, crack...

So here is my big risk. Here is my voice.

This is a link to my talk I gave a couple of weeks ago at my church, I'm really happy with it:


karenp said...

heidi... you are lovely.
and so friggin lovable!!!!

loving. kind. considerate. thoughtful. yes yes.

to write vulnerably and with passion about things that are very important to... fabulous. a gift.

the beauty of reading someone else's thoughts is an invitation for us to ponder, be curious, be challenged.

and if disagreement arises, then it's a fantastic opportunity for dialogue; paradox; reflection.

you're so eloquent. you're a communicator!! you have soul you have heart. umm..... c'mon girl... write!!! speak!!!

karenp said...

i meant to say *very important to you*.. the YOU is umm... the most important part of that phrase!!!!

so ya... funny... ironic..

Heidi Renee said...

Thank you Karen - that means the world to me - irony and all :) Gosh I miss you - traveling east at all this summer?? would LOVE to connect!

Patchouli said...

Love you beyond forever...

Comically Inept said...

Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I've been going through lately with my own site.

Mesha said...

WOW! Did I write this! I've been dealing with very issue myself! Thank you so much for sharing! I was very encouraging!

Heidi Renee said...

You are so welcome Mesha - I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in my fear of owning this part of me.