Saturday, December 08, 2007

More like Easter than Christmas...

If it wasn't for all of the snow and two munchkins constantly reminding me about present lists and advent calendars I wouldn't really even know it was Christmas. It must be all of the needles, blood and exhaustion, but in my heart it feels a lot more like Lent than Advent right now.

This has become my life. Middle of the night blood tests and doing more math in two weeks than I do in a year. Constant thoughts of meal plans, supply lists and telephone calls to endocrinologists who should be more tired of this than I am but don't seem to be. The celebration of the holiday is just lost on me. We're supposed to get a tree this weekend, but I can't say that I even care. It seems like way more work than it's worth but maybe it can kick start me into the holiday season. I truly doubt it though.

Keith is sick and has pushed so hard to get the Activity Center ready for the grand opening yesterday. He doesn't have the resources right now either. Poor Alinea is getting the dregs and is showing the signs of all of this change too. The hardest part is that we don't have grandparents or any family to come in and save the day. It's not like we ever really have. We did two babies alone for their whole childhood. I should be used to this by now, but it just seems so real in the shadow cast by the "joy of Christmas". Having the energy to fake through this holiday to make others feel better right now just isn't possible.

I don't know how to get from Lent to Advent this year.


anj said...

Maybe it's okay to stay in lent? I know you know this, but as a friend, please let me remember/remind you - it is better to live out of where you are, than where you think you should be. Where you are in this hard and difficult time has it's own beauty of birthing you know? Advent or Lent the Spirit is at work -- and your life is still one of faithfulness.

wilsonian said...

My head and heart are thinking the same as Anj. I'm sure you've got a grieving process to work through (it's not easy to say good-bye to all the dreams of "care-free").

Have been thinking too about a couple posts Cheryl Lawrie wrote:

"this morning i had coffee with a chaplain from one of our major hospitals, who works primarily in the psych unit. she talked about worship she’d led this week, asking the question of the same passage, ‘what is the waiting like?’. that’s exactly the question i needed to ask yesterday - it’s a question i can’t know the answer to, it’s a question that honours the moment, it’s a question that places the listener right, squarely, in the story of the incarnation."

Maybe you are more Mary than you could have imagined. Maybe you are filled with the same questions and concerns about what comes next. Maybe you don't need to rush ahead in the story... to the angels and wisemen. Maybe this year you hang out with Mary.

What is the waiting like?

Barb said...

Heidi, I have been following your posts lately, praying but not commenting. I'm so sorry for what is happening. I can hear your tiredness.
I have no words of encouragement except to breathe deeply at least once a day while you look outside your window.
Just wanted you to know that there are those of us who are reading and praying for you during this time.

Robin M. said...

I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago, but my heart goes out to you. I had gestational diabetes at this time six years ago, and the waiting, the pricking, the blood; it all comes back in reading this.

I will hold you in the Light.

Robin Mohr
What Canst Thou Say?