Free the Bumble!!

Just got invited by my friend on Facebook, Chris Coyle, to correct one of the greatest injustices of our generation - please read on to join our cause:

After seeing a show aimed at children in which a noble creature was taunted, baited, captured, tortured, maimed and mutilated and then used for slave labor and entertainment my daughters turned to me, horrified. I promised to do something, and I'm asking for your help.

A beautiful white ape-like creature with eerily human features and expressions once lived off in the wild frozen tundra of the polar region keeping a respectful distance from the nearest man. His icy eden was spoiled by a crazed capitalist prospector known as Yukon Cornelius who was determined to strip the area of its resources, be they gold, silver or peppermint.

Wary of outsiders following his encounters with Yukon, the gentle giant was understandably curious and terrified by a subsequent invasion by a sadistic elf accompanied by a sweet but confused reindeer. The reindeer was afflicted with a bright and shining nose. The presence of these two triggered our polar ape to give vocal warning and to follow them out to the perimeter of his territory along with the cunning Yukon.

A brief aside about the elf in question in case you doubt his character: some defect in his nature caused him to reject a life of bringing joy to children and to instead secretly delve into a fascination with inflicting pain on mankind of all ages.

After leaving the Yeti's stomping grounds the group went on to join a gang known as the Misfits who lived in colony much like Major Kurtz's. (editorial comment: have to admit, a gang led by a flying lion wearing a crown would be tempting. Moonracer, you are the coolest).

Conflicted about his 'friends' the reindeer returns to his turf, er, tundra but finds that his herd has strayed into the Yeti's domain. A natural prey of the beast, this was a foolish choice. At this point the story takes an ugly turn. Rather than allowing the Circle of Life, the the prospector and Hermey the creepy elf take advantage of the moment to bait the bumble into an ambush. Not content with rescuing the should-be meal, the twisted little Hermey pulls every tooth from the animals head and then he and Yukon mock the poor animal before attempting to push him to his death off a cliff.

In his attempt to kill the now harmless creature (who, having had his teeth pulled, unfortunately completely forgot about his fierce claws and his ability to deliver crushing eye-rolling blows using ice stalactites as a club) the penurious prospector also went over the edge.

As we find out later, the mutilated and humiliated so-called 'abominable' uses his own body to save his tormentor's life.

How is the benign benevolent Bumble rewarded for self-sacrificial act? Slavery. In one of the most blatant shockingly imperialistic quotes of the show, the treatment of the bumble is explained away as "I've reformed this bumble. He wants a job." Sick. Colonialism much? Maybe he wants his land, his teeth and his freedom!?!

I don't know what we can do but at least now you're aware.

Join Our Cause

(Thank you Chris - you have definitely missed your calling - OpEd for the Tribune is in your future!