My birthday wish

This is the story from The StoryPeople today:

Wish for your deepest desires, she said &
when I asked if they'd come true,
she said they always do,
so you might as well get them out in the open
while you're still young enough
to correct any serious mistakes.

I thought it was appropriate for my birthday. 42. My mom died when she was 43. I never understood, really understood, how young she was. I was 21, she seemed old to me. She was so sick I think her body was much older than the calendar said by the end. And her soul was definitely much older, chronic illness has a way of doing that to some people. Most of my conscious interaction with her as a child was colored by the knowledge that she was ill and dying.

43. Until about three months ago I thought she died when she was 42. I had forgotten she had a birthday before she died. There is something that happens to a child when their parents die young. It's somehow a date stamp in the psyche that says "here and no further" - I can't explain it, but I have talked with others and it is a shared fear. I have learned in my 42 years that fears only get bigger when you don't talk about them - that they loom bigger and darker when they are hidden away and actively ignored.

So today my birthday wish is for a year of change. A year of hope. A year of freedom from fear. I begin classes for my masters program on Monday. This is a big step for me. I have a lot of fear here too. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Both options bring me a lot of fear. It's easier to live the familiar life I have now, but it's definitely not nearly as interesting.

I now know that 42 is young. 20 years of marriage. 42 years of life. I truly feel like I am just growing into all of this - like the best is still out there. This second journey gives me great hope and I can't wait to see where it takes me. Happy Birthday Heidi.