Thursday, September 10, 2009

I made a mess of me

Ya'll know I'm a huge Jon Foreman/Switchfoot fan - he posted this picture on his blog the other day and it made me smile.

Just got an email this a.m. of a video they put together of their new song "Mess of Me" - I love it already:

I am my own affliction
This sickness is myself
I am my own disease

I want to reverse this tragedy

I made a mess of me
I want to get back the rest of me
I want to spend the rest of my life ALIVE

Glorious! You really are beautiful on the inside Mr. Foreman!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Two Middle Schoolers!

First Day of Middle School
Grade 8 for Alinea
Grade 6 for Jacob
 
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Wednesday, September 02, 2009

MY new library!

 

 

 


I was offered a job a few weeks ago to be the new part-time librarian at the Milltown Elementary School - I accepted and got to see my new library today! Isn't it pretty? You can't even imagine how incredibly excited I am to have this opportunity. Helping kids fall in love with words, stories and books - what an honor.

Libraries hold a special place in my history. They have always been safe places. To be in charge of creating a safe place for young minds gives me great joy.
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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Twins at heart

One of the most beautiful things the internet has given me is the understanding that I am not alone. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I spent much of my life not fitting in, feeling odd, unique or really different in so many places I've lived. One of the great things that the world wide web has going for it is that it is self-sorting. Like finds like. And I have found some amazing people, kindred souls and realized that while I am different I am not unique or alone.

One of the most surprising connections I have made was getting to know Chris. We were born a world apart, 2 months and a few days in age, but grew up in such similar, but very different ways - I read his thoughts and words and feel such a deep pull. With his red hair he had as a boy we truly looked like we could be twins. I adore him and find deep meaning in his words and thoughts. We have never met, and may never meet, but my heart has a deep connection.

I noticed one day on a facebook update by Jon Foreman of Switchfoot that they were playing an unplugged show for a free donation to a foodbank in Boise Idaho - where Chris lives. I knew that this wasn't his music, but I fb'd him and said something like "go and record it for me, I sure wish I could be there" - not really thinking anything at all about him really going, but more just a cry from a heart that lives far too away from civilization to ever be able to do anything like that again, not complaining, it's just one sacrifice we make living on the edge of the world near to all of this beauty.

I didn't think much of it until I got a note from Chris asking for my address. I gave it to him, we were switching craft projects for a fb meme we did and I thought this might be that - what he did for me was so way better. He went to that square little coffee shop for me, waited an eternity, didn't even get near the concert, but stood in line forever to get Jon Foreman to sign a book that Chris knew I'd love. He'd done some research on Switchfoot and found that they did the soundtrack to Prince Caspian, and knew that I was a Lewis fan. He bought this book for me, and after he waited in line for hours when he neared the front they turned him away. Chris begged to have Jon sign the book for me.

It's one of the most kind, intuitive, thoughtful gifts I've ever received. The book is called From the Library of CS Lewis - selections from writers who influenced his spiritual journey. Thank you Chris, my twin brother from a different mother. I adore you, you are so sweet and thoughtful and I pray some day we will be able to meet f2f. This was one of the best house warming presents I could have ever gotten.

 

 
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Home is where the art is

My Aussie friend Kel left this as a comment on my last post and it was too cute to hide there:

home is where the heat is
oops, the heart is
no, the art is

Thanks Kel - it is our deep hope that this home truly is where the art is and that we can touch the creative parts of ourselves here.

Monday, August 31, 2009

House Warming

Two godsends in the Turner family house - our lovely wood stove kept us cozy the other night when the temperature dropped, and our brand new wall oven got installed yesterday. We are happy, happy.


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Friday, August 21, 2009

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

by Portia Nelson

via Inward/Outward

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A friend indeed (and need)

Many of you need no introduction to my beloved friend Claudia Mair Burney - better known to many of us in the blogosphere as the Ragamuffin Diva.

There is NO ONE in the world, (yes, even Annie Lamott) who writes my soul like this woman. She has wires and words into the heart of God like no one I've ever read before. Her story is one of pain and triumph and at the base of it all is a heart of a lioness that beats to an awesome drummer.

Mair has been through the ringer of roller coaster land these past few months - with the highest highs (her novel Zora & Nicky nominated for a Christy Award) and the lowest of lows - their old Eagle Spirit got stolen a few weeks ago.

Claudia, Ken & family are saving all their pennies to get down to Lexington to an incredible intentional community there - think Will & Lisa Samson - and she'll be doing work with women who have been trapped in human trafficking. They need to get out of Detroit ASAP and get down to Lexi so their babies can get into school and start their lives surrounded by a strong, beautiful community.

Here's Claudia's post: Will You Join Me In Love?

Life in Inkster, Michigan (think Detroit) has been rough and I really want to speed their progress if at all possible. So many of us support amazing causes and families overseas - I thought maybe, just maybe that generosity might help a little closer to home. Lots of small donations can make a huge difference online - if this could go viral we could really get that family a real start in the deep heart of Dixie. Are you with me?

Will you help?

Here's how:

1. Please use your blog, twitter account, facebook update - any online social networking you use to draw attention to this. We need to love on this family - Claudia is about as discouraged as discouraged can be right now - she needs to feel the love more than anything.

2. Pray - This family needs every level of support - this is a huge move with lots of details on both ends that need to be put in place and tied up - can you please ask God to prepare a place for them and a way to get them there?

3. Give - even tiny amounts online can help - lots of people giving small amounts can change everything.


Click ChipIn to donate

Trust me, this woman has already begun to make a big impact on the world around her - a strong community supporting them could make everything change.

Here's just a small sample of why she's stolen my heart:

The Naked Prophetess

For the Journey


Incarnation

Monday, July 06, 2009

A House Blessing

My house blessing from Kel (I love it SO much! Thank you Kellie!)

May you listen to your longing to be free

May the frames of your belonging be large enough for the dreams of your soul

May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering to your heart that something good is going to happen to you

May you find harmony between your soul and your life

May the mansion of your soul never become a haunted place

May you know the eternal longing that is at the heart of time

May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within

May you never place walls between the light and yourself

May your angel free you from the prisons of guilt, fear, disappointment and despair

May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you and embrace you in belonging

~John O’Donohue

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

of kale and catastrophe, greens and grace

My blogger/chef/poet/friend Milton took my breath away this morning. Enjoy:

If you were speaking in parables
this afternoon, would you still talk
about seeds and birds and trees?

You see, what we know of farming
are supermarket shelves of Costa Rican
bananas and Peruvian asparagus;

a flower box of basil in the yard,
summer trips to the farmer’s market.
(Why is it so expensive?)

In our world of uniform tomatoes,
our apples sit, shiny and stacked in rows,
our Blackberries know nothing of time.

We fly so fast down the highway
we fail to see the clusters of muscadine
on the fence line, wild onions in the ditch.

I’m answering my own question. True
theology isn’t thirsting for a technological
upgrade: it’s still God 1.0: Christological kudzu.

Tell me the story again, in this summer
of kale and catastrophe, greens and grace;
and I will do my best to see and hear.

Peace upon you Milton, please keep linking thoughts, phrases, food, theology and grace together - you are a master blend of Wendell Berry and Ted Loder and a true Guerilla of Grace for me today! Thank you!

Enjoy Milton's blog here: Don't Eat Alone

Friday, June 26, 2009

Of roots and foundations - An Invitation

Can't stop thinking about the house, and it's rendered me totally ineffective until our appointment with our lawyer at 4:00 today (we're signing papers today, transfer of $ happens on Monday - yikes!)

One of the things that I want to do echoes something my blogger friend Kel did as they built their glorious artist retreat/home, Anamrae, in Australia these past few years. They built from scratch, and so we can't do exactly what they are did - but our version will be very similar.

Kel asked all her family and friends (even those of us who were from far away) to contribute prayers, blessings, poems and notes that they could write on timbers and beams, drop into the walls before they were closed in and say over their home. Our basement in our new home is high and dry and one of our first projects will be to insulate the walls. Before that happens I will be letting our community loose with markers to christen and bless the foundation of our home here in St. Stephen. Words, art, smiles and prayers will literally be written upon the bricks and mortar of our home.

It has been 14 years since we have owned a home. 14 years of moving, transferring communities, leaving friends and family behind, 14 years finished. We, all four of us, long for roots. Deep roots, good foundations in this community that we call already call home. We truly love it here and it suits us well. It is not perfect, but neither are we, and it is real. We long to establish ourselves here to grow and work and live our lives.

We invite you to share a story, blessing, poem, joke, photo or anything you can think of that will add to the foundations of our lives.

You can email me at heiditurnerATgmailDOTcom or write me for our snail mail address if you'd like to mail your contribution.

We have also been wracking our brains for a name for her. She is an 85 year old craftsman/arts & crafts home with lovely woodwork and tons of character. Kel's Anamrae takes two celtic words for Soul Space and links them together. So far I haven't gotten that creative, but would love a name that speaks of roots and growth. My dear friend Anj calls her craftsman Sojourn. A prize will be awarded if a suggested name is chosen.

Thank you for celebrating with us!

There's no place like home

The SOLD sign is up and we close on Monday!

I can hardly believe it's true. I haven't blogged about it because I just couldn't stand the thought of having to blog about it falling through. There have been few things in life I have allowed myself to admit I wanted - a home was one, and when this process started to move forward THIS HOME was THE HOME I longed for. It hardly seems real.

I am going to document the process because it has been so amazing, but really need some mind space (and quiet) to do that in. With the kids home from school now that has been hard to find this past week. I know it will come, but this morning isn't it.

I have created an online photo album if you want to peek inside:

20 Queen Street East

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Love Story

God made man because He loves stories.
Elie Wiesel
US (Romanian-born)
activist, novelist (1928 - )

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Bay of Fundy - Wonder of the World

UPDATE #2 - Vote My Fundy.com

UPDATE: Vote here for the Bay of Fundy

Did you know that more water passes through the Bay of Fundy in ONE DAY than goes over Niagara Falls in a year? Niagara Falls powers much of the eastern seaboard & Ontario - can you imagine if the tides could be harnessed (with total respect to habitat)? Natural energy just waiting to be resourced.

Living here in New Brunswick, 3 blocks from a river that is a tidal estuary we see the affect of the tides here two times a day. It's magnificent. 20-30' in 12 hours - two times a day, every day.

I just found out that the Bay of Fundy is in the running (again) to be listed as one of the 7 Natural Wonders of the World! You don't have to be from Canada to vote, so show your support and take a look at all of the places you need to add to your travel dreams. You really need to see this place at least once in your life. It's like nothing else in the world.

Here's the update email I got from my friend Jude at Culture Pass:

The Bay of Fundy is back on the international stage in the New7Wonders of Nature contest. In an unprecedented turn of events the Bay of Fundy, which placed 2nd in the first phase of the contest that concluded January 7, 2009 is now representing Canada!

The New7Wonders of Nature organization, based in Brussels, reinstated the Bay of Fundy this week. "We can confirm that Dinosaur Provincial Park did not meet the Phase II participation requirements" said Tia Viering of the New7Wonders. "Therefore, it is with great pleasure that we announce that the Bay of Fundy is now officially Canada's national representative.”

“As 2008 came to a close, we knew we were in an extremely close race to represent Canada in this phase of the contest,” said Terri McCulloch, Manager Bay of Fundy Tourism. “We were honored by the incredible number of votes the Bay of Fundy received in the first round of the contest. We are very passionate about the Bay of Fundy and believe it is truly a beautiful wonder of nature. We are privileged to represent Canada and we hope everyone will be as enthusiastic again and vote for the Bay of Fundy. We only have until July 7th to get as many votes as we can for this next stage of the contest.”

The Bay of Fundy is best known for the highest tides in the world and has been compared, in marine biodiversity, to the Amazon Rainforest. The Bay is the summer feeding area for half the world's population of endangered North Atlantic Right whales and 12 other whale species. It is home to the world's most complete fossil record of the "Coal Age” (300 million years ago) as well as the world’s oldest reptiles and Canada’s oldest dinosaurs. UNESCO recently recognized the upper Bay of Fundy as a Biosphere Reserve and Joggins Fossil Cliffs as a World Heritage Site.

Go online to vote to place a vote before July 7, 2009, when the top 77 international sites will be short listed. Between July 7 and 21, an independent committee will select the top 21 to continue into the fourth and final stage of the campaign. These top 21 sites will also be part of a 2010 New7Wonders world tour bringing tremendous international attention to the selected sites. Phase four is the last voting component of the New7Wonders of Nature campaign until the final announcement is made on who has been selected the New7Wonders of Nature.

“We only have a few weeks left in this phase of the contest so every vote is important and interested voters can go to Votemyfundy.com. We are really excited to be back in the running and we hope we can succeed in getting Canada’s Bay of Fundy into the next international phase of the campaign,” said Terri McCulloch. (Sending with thanks to Maureen for forwarding from Terry.)

Vote, vote, vote!!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Redemption in the form of a bobby pin

Remember my friend Nicola, the girl riding the elephant and thinking BIG thoughts about redemption in Thailand? She was on a bus trip with a columnist and he writes about his interaction with her here:

Nicola Gladwell gave me a bobby pin.

During a long bus trip this April, I got out the handwritten draft of a short story and my AlphaSmart Dana word processor.

I balanced the Dana on my lap, then realized there was no comfortable--or even uncomfortable--way to prop up the sheets so I could type them. On the back of the seat in front of me was a tightly screwed-on strip of plastic that held the chair cover in place. I tried forcing the edge of a page under that, but had no luck.

Bother.

It was then that Nicola, seated across the aisle from me, came to the rescue. She removed a bobby pin from her hair and handed it over. I was at a loss what to do with it.

"What do you suggest?" I asked.

She took the flat prong and worked it under the strip of plastic, creating a clipboard. I slid a few pages into the bobby pin and they held.

Brilliant.

Read the rest here - John Governale

Thanks John - and btw - I LOVE MY AlphaSmart too! :D

Monday, May 25, 2009

Reading List

I have scads of little pieces of paper, index cards and emails I've sent to myself with books recommended or talked about by people I admire, I try to toss those little tidbits on my desk and then regularly do amazon searches and add them to my wish list so that at least somewhere I have a searchable record of those books. I began doing this when one of my favorite people in the world made his recommended reading list. I grabbed a few of those books and they changed my life forever. Nothing I had read up to that point had touched me as deeply as those books. I guess that's because the man who recommended them touched me more deeply than anyone else had before.

His name was Mike Yaconelli. He is no longer with us physically, but his writing and talks still pay forward in my life, and since I was only graced to see him once a year, it's almost like he's still around practically influencing my life.

I was doing some research for the talk I'm giving at church on Sunday and saved a transcript for the Bill Moyers Journal he had with Parker Palmer back in February - 17 minutes you will never regret - but don't listen until after Sunday if you go to my church! :) (Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak was the first book I read on that list and things shifted so dramatically within me that I will never be the same again) When I saved the transcript I found Mike's book list and I'm going to copy it here so that I don't forget again - there are so many books on this list I still get to read and I thought you might enjoy a couple of them too.

Here's Mike's Recommended Reading List (with a bit of advice thrown in) The only thing I'll add is Mike's own book Messy Spirituality:

  • Read like a madman.
  • Most youth workers don't read. Yet reading is absolutely essential to your spiritual growth.
  • Ask people you admire and respect what books they read. If you're drawn to someone, chances are they have the same reading interests you do, so trust them to get you on the right reading track.
  • Note those authors you resonate with, then get all their books. I have my own group of authors, who through their books have become my reading-world friends: Eugene Peterson, Barbara Brown Taylor, Walter Wangerin Jr., John Claypool, Earl Palmer, Henri Nouwen, Calvin Miller, Frederick Buechner, Alan Jones, Will Willimon, Evelyn Underhill, Philip Yancey. I read everything they write. Somehow, they know me, they name what I am struggling with, they put into words what I have been unable to find the words for. Put those few books that have really affected you in a bookcase close to where you work. In my study I have all my favorite books——my friends——just to the left of my desk, in arm's reach. I have lots more books in my study, but my friends are right next to me.
  • Interact with your books. Mark your favorite passages, make notes, mark then file the quotes that grip you. Books are made to be marked——and stained with tears, too. Reading is more than gathering information——it's a relationship.
  • Don't worry if you take a break from reading now and then. Sometimes your soul needs space and time to process what's going on in your life. At such times reading can actually distract you from soul work you should be doing.
  • Whatever you do, don't limit your reading to religious books. Read recent novels, old classics, biographies, short stories, essays, articles. Christians aren't the only ones speaking truth. Truth is truth, regardless of who says it.
  • Stop impersonating yourself.
  • For what it's worth, here's my recommended reading list. Let it start you making your own book list.
  • Robert Bensen, Between the Dreaming & the Coming True (HarperCollins)
  • Bob Benson, Disciplines for the Inner Life (Word)
  • Walter Brueggemann, The Prophetic Imagination (Fortress)
  • Thomas Cahill, The Gifts of the Jews (Doubleday)
  • Christopher DeVinck, The Power of the Powerless (Zondervan)
  • Jacques Ellul, The Presence of the Kingdom (Seabury)
  • Suzanne Farnham and others, Listening Hearts (Morehouse)
  • Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder (Jove Books)
  • Thelma Hall, Too Deep for Words (Paulist)
  • Abraham Heschel, Man's Quest for God (Scribner's)
  • Abraham Heschel, The Prophets (HarperCollins)
  • Alan Jones, Passion for Pilgrimage (HarperCollins)
  • Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality (HarperSanFrancisco)Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion (HarperSanFranciso)
  • Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits (HarperCollins)
  • Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies (Pantheon)
  • Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude (Noonday Press)
  • Johannes B. Metz, Poverty of Spirit (Paulist)
  • Kathleen Norris, Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith (Riverhead)
  • Kathleen Norris, The Cloister Walk (Riverhead)
  • Kathleen Norris, Dakota: A Spiritual Geography (Houghton Mifflin)
  • Henri Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus (Crossroad)
  • Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love (Doubleday)
  • Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak (Image)
  • Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak (Jossey-Bass)
  • Parker Palmer, To Know As We Are Known (HarperSanFranciso)
  • Eugene Peterson, The Contemplative Pastor (Word)
  • Eugene Peterson, Living the Message (HarperCollins)
  • Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction (InterVarsity Press)
  • Eugene Peterson, Subversive Spirituality (Eerdmans)
  • Barbara Brown Taylor, The Preaching Life (Cowley)
  • Barbara Brown Taylor, When God Is Silent (Cowley)
  • Evelyn Underhill, The Spiritual Life (Morehouse)
  • Evelyn Underhill, The Ways of the Spirit (Crossroad)
  • Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines (HarperSanFranciso)
  • Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew (Zondervan)
  • Philip Yancey, What's So Amazing about Grace? (Zondervan)

Are there any you'd add to this list?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Real advice for how to sell on eBay - Part One

I have sold on eBay for nearly a decade (although not recently) and a friend wrote and asked me for some advice. I realized that since I was typing I'd blog it and others might benefit from what I've learned.

I used to teach a class on how to buy & sell at the Sewickley Public Library in Sewickley, Pennsylvania. I'm not going to tell you how to make TONS of $, but I will give you tips you might not find from others trying to sell you on selling on eBay.

I can tell you everything I know. First of all it's the hardest season to sell as people are away from their computers enjoying outside. The fall is better, but if he doesn't care it's not a big deal.

It's work for you no matter if he sells anything - so most of all you want your time covered. Especially if he thinks that his stuff is worth more than ebay buyers think it's worth. That is the biggest problem selling for friends. If THEY think that THEIR Precious Moments TM figurines are priceless you have a problem. One of the things that eBay did was let everyone know how NOT RARE their special items were. The one or two antique stores you had in your town could claim something was RARE because how could you know? Now we all know that beanie babies are worthless and most 45's hold very little value.

The biggest thing I learned selling in eBay was that something is only as valuable as a buyer tells you it is with their bid.

Secondly - you can only sell something that can be searched. A precious green, glass dish made in the 40's is no good on eBay unless you know that is is an Hazel Atlas Depression Glass Compote - then compote collectors, depression glass collectors and Hazel Atlas collectors can find your item. Green & antique will never be a searchable description. It if has a tag, name or you are an expert you can sell it - if not making your item "findable" is KEY.

The things that actually have the most sellable value on eBay right now are the mid-century - 70's decor. It's not the antiques so much, but the Brady Bunch kind of decor that is the most collectible.

Anything that is hand made should be sold on etsy.com instead of eBay - handmade items and crafts are undervalued on eBay and have never gotten the foothold and respect they deserve there.

Auctions end on the same day as they begin - so timing the end of an auction is important. Do NOT close an auction during the final episode of American Idol or LOST or something with a huge fan following. Your buyers will be watching tv instead of shopping on eBay. Time zones are also really important. West coast shoppers seem to be more generous - so timing auctions to close well on Pacific time instead of while their stuck in rush hour traffic makes sense.

If you have multiples of items to sell DO NOT list them at the same time. Let your buyers think your item is RARE. I purchased a case of 50's restaurant ware creamers from a yard sale and sold them over two years. I paid $2.00 for the box and sold them individually for up to $25.00 each. Every buyer thought theirs was THE ONLY ONE.

The strangest items have value on eBay and you will rarely ever know what will hit. I listed a lot of postcards I bought at an auction once and this tiny little 70's motel from Anaheim started to soar into unheard of prices for me - had NO idea why. Little did I know it was because there was a tiny corner picture of an old, demolished baseball stadium on the card. Little did the buyers know that I had SIX of them - and each sold very well. The buyer is king on eBay - if you have something that two people want things can get very out of hand - which is very good as a seller.

In Part Two I will talk about listing your items.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Red Energy

“Someday, after we have mastered the wind, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love. And then, for the second time in the history of the human race, we will have discovered fire.”

Pierre Teilhard Chardin

Friday, May 08, 2009

She hath wings










Be Like the Bird

Be like that bird
Who, pausing in flight,
Feels the bough give way
Beneath her feet
And yet sings,
Knowing she hath wings.

Victor Hugo

Thursday, May 07, 2009

To hear the things ye hear, and heard them not

Pete Rollins is having a parable writing competition - very cool:

To mark the US release of my latest book, Paraclete are running a writing competition. The idea is to get you, yes you, to write a parable dealing with pretty much anything. It should ideally be between 100 and 1000 words in length. Oh, and you can enter as many times as you like.

First prize is a beautiful limited edition print entitled ‘New Life‘ by the artist Jared Robinson (Jared is currently collaborating with me to create work inspired by my writings). You will also receive $100 worth of Paraclete books of your choice and the adoration of your friends and family.

Second and third prize will receive $50 worth of Paraclete books.

My desire in running this competition is to help people rediscover the importance and power of parable. So, if you attend a writing circle, church community, youth group etc. you might want to take some time to explore the theme of parables (suggested reading below) and then encourage everyone to write one.

So what are you waiting for? Send your entries to Carol Showalter, no later than 1st August, 2009. 

The entries will be judged by myself and the winners announced on 1st September, 2009 both here and at Paraclete Press.

Tips:

A parable can be loosely described as a short, fictional narrative that draws the reader 
into an insight concerning some aspect of faith and life. Parables often work best when 
they challenge commonly held attitudes and unmask the poverty of some widely held value. Parables are generally structured in a very simple and stark way, with a narrative that avoids any unnecessary detail that may detract from the central, evocative message.

Some books, apart from my own, that might help get you in the mood include,

The Song of the Bird

Parables of Kierkegaard (Kierkegaard’s Writings)

hat tip to Adam at Pomomusings because I read his blog post even before I read Pete's :D

image credit: ‘New Life‘ by the artist Jared Robinson also at Eye-Catchers Media

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Hoping to Fall


Leaning out as far as she can, hoping she'll fall soon, so she can stop worrying about whether it will happen or not.

Storypeople


Image taken Summer 2008 Penobscot Bridge, Maine

Monday, April 27, 2009

Elimination Fast...

Argh.

There, I said it. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate when I find out information that I don't really want, that I wasn't ever looking for and that could, dang it all, change everything.

I was doing some research for ADHD children and came across The Feingold Diet. I read about it and found that there is a part of the diet that eliminates all foods with salicylic acid - and as a side note mentioned that people with allergies to N.S.A.I.D.S. (non-steroidal anti-inflammatories - asprin, ibuprofen, etc.) should probably avoid these foods too.

WHAT!?!?!? How did I not know this? Don't you think this would be something an allergist (who told me I was allergic to NSAIDS) might mention this say, a dozen years ago when he told me I could die if I ever took Motrin again?? Do you know how extensive this list is? Can you imagine never, I mean NEVER, EVER eat a peanut butter & berry jam sandwich again? Never enjoy another raspberry (my favorite of all time) or a fresh picked strawberry, or living in wild blueberry country, never, ever, ever have blueberry pancakes again? No more almonds, no more avocados, red grapes or cherries.

How 'bout trying to give up cantaloupe, raisins, dates, olives, mushrooms, green peppers and tomatoes - I will never have pizza again? COME ON!

I almost hope that it doesn't make me feel better when I give it a try. I can't even imagine how I could live like this. I am the girl who lived on highly refined sugars, chocolate and fast food for most of my life and gave that up, lost 14 sizes and enjoys a life filled with amazing fruits and vegetables now. I haven't had chocolate in 9 1/2 years - and now I have to give up peanut butter & raspberries too? DANG!

Shall I keep going? How 'bout mustard, dill, curry powder and Garam Masala - I'll never get to have Indian food again.

This is brutal. I've been avoiding it for over a month now, I don't want this information and I want to give it back. But deep inside me I am suspicious that I am affected by this and my body needs to find out if it feels better without these foods. So I am praying to be willing to be willing to attempt a fast. I can't even imagine what I could eat, there is just so much that I love now that I will lose.

As someone with an eating disorder, messing with my food is a scary and overwhelming prospect. This will take a lot of intense prayer and dedication and I just am not sure I'm up to it. I just really want to know if it makes a difference. I know that I feel better without all of the junk I used to have in my life. And yes, there are times that I miss chocolate, but I don't miss how crazy it used to make me feel. So this will be a journey, and I don't know when it will actually begin.

First I have to find some alternatives, good alternatives for my standard meals and snacks. I have found that creating a vacuum is not healthy for me and impossible to maintain over the long haul, unless I replace what I am reducing with real, live options. If you have any recipes or suggestions I am open to them. And any prayers and encouragement would really be appreciated.

UPDATE - coffee & carbonated beverages too. Is life worth living without all of these amazing foods? I really need an expert - anyone? Maybe Jake's nutritionist can help me here. I'm really getting frustrated.

The Lower Deep


"...every action admits of being outdone
Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth that around every circle another can be drawn;
that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning;
that there is always another dawn risen on mid-noon,

and under every deep a lower deep opens."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Circles


I took this picture while on the beaches in Oregon, Summer 2007

Friday, April 24, 2009

The business of redemption

One of the best things about living in our community is rubbing shoulders with the undergrads. One of my favorites is a young woman named Nicola. She just returned from the semester travel study in Asia that the 2nd years do here. It changes them all. They depart as North Americans and return and citizens of the world. The travel program at SSU is spectacular. As part of the process the students are asked to write blog posts - one before, one during and one after the trip. I have loved the chance to read their thoughts along the way.

Nicola wrote today about redemption and she said it was okay if I let you read too:

Mind-held Thai expressions tease my tongue. Each essay determinately engaging with the SE Asian sex trade…

I have had a line ringing in my mind since our return, mingling with the leftovers of Asian dialects:

In the business of redemption.

What does it look like to be in the business of redemption?

I am reminded of: plant pots made from painted car tires in the Philippines; a Malay man’s obsession with mundane rocks allowing him to find a wealth of value in his collection of unique stones: singing boulders, growing gems, and petrified wood; in eating meat, Asians use the whole of the beast: even if this meant finding pig snout on my plate in the Philippines and chicken feet in a Malaysian curry; a dollar-store toy that we would scorn in the west has found new value in the hand of a Filipino girl, as does the scrap tin finding its place in the sea of huts within Manila or Bangkok.

In the business of redemption. what does it mean?

Perhaps it means finding value in imperfection- in another’s garbage, setting it free from judgement and compartmentalizing snobbery.

I loved Thailand; I could live in Chiang Mai. I would ride to work on an elephant and guide rafts on mountain rivers for a pitiful living, seeking wisdom from aged monks and taking a master’s in sustainable living or linguistics at CMU. However. I have a problem. I can’t get it through my head- you have to help me.

There are over 2 million prostitutes in Thailand; in Chiang Mai all of them are brought from destitute Burmese villages and trafficked through the village of Ma Sai on the border. I was in Ma Sai. I bought a pen. And a necklace. All Burmese teen girls traveling through Ma Sai leave without their virginity and thus their hope for a future and marriage, and almost half leave with an AIDS death sentence from their first few weeks in the industry.

What does redemption mean to a sex slave in Japan, in Bangkok, in Kuala Lumpur? If I see so much of what we call garbage being redeemed throughout Asia, isn’t there a way to redeem the consequences of societal chastity, idolatry, obligatory merit-making, hierarchical systems, and poverty?

In the business of Redemption.

Thai vocabulary, redemptive ideas, thoughts of the summer, and efforts to summarize my year at SSU swirl around my mind. I feel reminiscient of a Hogwarts student awaiting the next school year, or Arnold buckling his seatbelt in the Magic School Bus. I feel like all my life I have been taught to stand on a gymnasium line or sit quietly without being told why, and now my experience has set my mind free from dictated learning. Let me ask questions, don’t break life to me gently, let me dive in and let me experience both the joy and the pain of humanity. What will I learn next year?

I think redemption would be a good business to get into.
via SSU Travels the World

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Boys (Lesson One) Jars of Clay

I just downloaded the new Jars of Clay The Long Fall Back to Earth mp3 from Amazon. It will take a bit to grow on me, the sound is new and very 80's. Not a lot of lyrics and I don't know if anything could have been good enough for me after Good Monsters.

So, it's only my first listen - but the song Boys (Lesson One) stopped me dead in my tracks. Raising a son is an education for me. I didn't have a brother and am finding walking through this has brought a lot of new realizations and learning.

This song is so beautiful and full of grace -

Lesson one, do not hide.
Lesson two, there are right ways to fight
and if you have questions we can talk through the night

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
it's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
you get there in time

Lesson three, you're not alone
But since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run
But this will still be your home

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time, get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling, bad things come undone
If you ever love or loose your innocence

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do
And when you need it most I have a 100 reasons why I love you

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time, you get there in time

If you ever love or lose your innocence,
just remember....
Lesson one....

~~~~~~~~~~~

If you have a son, you need this song. It is so beautiful it makes my heart hurt.

Not all soul music comes from the church

Say what you will about Bono, he is a man who used the platform he has been given for others. His latest Op-Ed in the NYT is a challenge to look at the financial crisis as a time of lent, carnival is over:

The preacher said, “What good does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?” Hearing this, every one of the pilgrims gathered in the room asked, “Is it me, Lord?” In America, in Europe, people are asking, “Is it us?”

Well, yes. It is us.

Carnival is over. Commerce has been overheating markets and climates ... the sooty skies of the industrial revolution have changed scale and location, but now melt ice caps and make the seas boil in the time of technological revolution. Capitalism is on trial; globalization is, once again, in the dock. We used to say that all we wanted for the rest of the world was what we had for ourselves. Then we found out that if every living soul on the planet had a fridge and a house and an S.U.V., we would choke on our own exhaust.

Lent is upon us whether we asked for it or not. And with it, we hope, comes a chance at redemption. But redemption is not just a spiritual term, it’s an economic concept. At the turn of the millennium, the debt cancellation campaign, inspired by the Jewish concept of Jubilee, aimed to give the poorest countries a fresh start. Thirty-four million more children in Africa are now in school in large part because their governments used money freed up by debt relief. This redemption was not an end to economic slavery, but it was a more hopeful beginning for many. And to the many, not the lucky few, is surely where any soul-searching must lead us.
ht to Bob Carlton

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Creating space

When you are interiorly free you call others to freedom, whether you know it or not. Freedom attracts wherever it appears. A free man or a free woman creates a space where others feel safe and want to dwell. Our world is so full of conditions, demands, requirements, and obligations that we often wonder what is expected of us. But when we meet a truly free person, there are no expectations, only an invitation to reach into ourselves and discover there our own freedom.

Where true inner freedom is, there is God. And where God is, there we want to be.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Retrenched?

My friend from down under Kel has been retrenched and has turned what she has learned through the process into a resource to help others - brilliant & creative Kel!

My favorite was her post on redundancy:
You were not made redundant - the role was. And despite how you might feel right now, you are not the role. You are a person. And you are not redundant.

Resources 4 the Retrenched

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Susan Boyle - The Beauty that Matters


(image credit)


Just in case you've been hiding under a rock you need to watch this, it can't be embedded here by request of the show but trust me follow the link - it is a gift. The blossoming of a rose:

Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent


Here's a bit of history:
But then ridicule is nothing new in Susan Boyle's life. She is a veteran of abuse. She was starved of oxygen at birth and has learning difficulties as a result. At school she was slow and had frizzy hair. She was bullied, mostly verbally. She told one newspaper that her classmates' jibes left behind the kind of scars that don't heal.

She didn't have boyfriends, is a stranger to romance and has never been kissed. "Shame," she said. Singing was her life-raft.

She lived with her parents in a four-bedroom council house and, when her father died a decade ago, she cared for her mother and sang in the church choir.

It was an unglamorous existence. She wasn't the glamorous type - and being a carer isn't a glamorous life, as the hundreds of thousands who do that most valuable of jobs will testify. Even those who start out with a beauty routine and an interest in clothes find themselves reverting to the practicality of a tracksuit and trainers. Fitness plans get interrupted and then abandoned. Weight creeps on. Carers don't often get invited to sparkling dinner parties or glitzy receptions, so smart clothes rarely make it off the hanger.
...
Susan Boyle's mother encouraged her to sing. She wanted her to enter Britain's Got Talent. But the shy Susan hasn't been able to sing at all since her mother's death two years ago. She wasn't sure how her voice would emerge after so long a silence. Happily, it survived its rest.


and now read the whole article here:

The Beauty That Matters

God please keep her from being preyed upon by greedy, heartless souls.

Thanks to Wes for the article in my mailbox this morning!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Caving in

Caved in to twitter a few days ago. Alinea wanted to sign up and I don't like to give permission to things I haven't investigated, so I am now twittering... I know I've been a vocal opponent to it and feel quite like the hypocrite, but you can follow my fairly mundane life at @redemptionjunki if you'd like...

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

In quietness

Found this morning at Julie Unplugged and wanted to put a pin in them so I'm marking them here:

Unfortunately, in seeing ourselves as we truly are, not all that we see is beautiful and attractive. This is undoubtedly part of the reason we flee silence. We do not want to be confronted with our hypocrisy, our phoniness. We see how false and fragile is the false self we project. We have to go through this painful experience to come to our true self. It is a harrowing journey, a death to self—the false self—and no one wants to die. But it is the only path to life, to freedom, to peace, to true love. And it begins with silence. We cannot give ourselves in love if we do not know and possess ourselves. This is the great value of silence. It is the pathway to all we truly want.

--M. Basil Pennington

Silence is the measure of the power to act; that is, a person never has more power to act than he has silence. Anyone can understand that to do something is far greater than to talk about doing it. If, therefore, a person has a plan or idea and is fully resolved to carry it out, he does not need to talk about it. What he talks about in connection with the proposed action is what he is most unsure of and most unwilling to do.

--Soren Kierkegaard

(image taken at Sommes Sound on Mt. Desert Island, Maine, September 2007)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dream Assignment

My long time blogger bud Jen Lemen has the biggest dreams of almost anyone I know - and one of those dreams is actually within her reach and you can help make it happen.

Jen is a Shutter Sister, mom, artist, poet, blogger-extraordinaire and she and her friend Stephanie have put together a Dream Assignment proposal and it's tied for 5th place right now - can you help them by registering and pushing them up to the top? Pic Hope:

Name Your Dream Assignment - Picture Hope

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Very Hungry Birthday

Happy 40th Birthday Very Hungry Caterpillar!

As a woman who struggles with an eating disorder The Very Hungry Caterpillar has been one of my top 5 favorite childrens books. Newsweek has a great article on Eric Carle's story and shares a bit of why it resonated so deeply with him. I did not find or remember the book from childhood, it was only when I began to read to my own children that I discovered this gem. Lovely to know that Eric Carle has found happiness and is enjoying his semi-retirement.

Newsweek: The Surprising Dark Side of the Very Hungry Caterpillar

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Carry your bags sir?

My friend David is wicked with pen & paper (well stylus and screen?) - his cartoon today speaks volumes:


You will find that his words are just as insightful:

Naked Pastor

Friday, March 20, 2009

The doorway

It doesn't have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try
to make them elaborate, this isn't
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.

Source: Mary Oliver, Thirst

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Turner Family Update

You have all been so patient - I apologize that I have gone silent. With the end of March break all three of us, Ali, Jacob & I went back to school. I am in the middle of my last two week intensive for my masters degree - and have had to focus on school. I just finished up my afternoon class and my brain is filled to the brim and I am both mentally and physically exhausted.

No news has been good news on Jacob. There has been two days of a lot of pain (Monday & Friday) where he left school - but Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were all three full days of school. He's had no fevers, his blood work came back with numbers that made the doctor happy and the extra mural nurse just finished hooking up his last IV bag of antibiotics. By 5:00 tomorrow night he will be free of the pump and we'll be heading to outpatient to get his PICC line removed!!!

His scar is healing well and other than the muscles knitting themselves back together and causing quite a bit of pain he is doing quite well. He's not got all of his energy or weight back yet - so we'd still appreciate your prayers - but he it is so good to have our boy back.

Alinea is doing well, she's getting ready to enter her TEEN years in less than a month (April 10th) and we're planning a blessing service/party for her.

Keith has been pulling way more than his normal load through both the sickness and school - and I am constantly amazed at how capable he is and we are regularly blessed by his incredible talents in the kitchen.

By the end of next week I will have completed all of the study terms of my program - except the travel term (Greece/Turkey this time next year) and my thesis work. It hardly seems possible that soon I'll be able to be doing reading again that I pick instead of all of the assigned reading I've been doing (or avoiding) for the past two years. I can't wait as I've got a stack of books waiting to be read.

Thanks again for your prayers, encouragement and support during this past month - we are so happy to see the beginning of the hope of spring here and the backside of winter. We shall kiss it goodbye and good riddance. It's been a long season and we're ready for new growth.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Brian Andreas @ TED

No time to blog or read - this module is kicking my backside...

Wanted to mark Brian Andreas (The StoryPeople) TED interview on storytelling for scientists and technologists so that I can read it later (but you can read it now!):

Brian Andreas @ TED

Monday, March 02, 2009

Home alone

It hit us both at about 10:00 last night. Crap. This is all on us now. We've got no nurses checking him through the night, making sure he's safe & sound. Just us. Why did we push to get him home? GULP. Sleep was a bit fractured because our uneasiness at realizing that this isn't just diabetic care anymore, but a much deeper awareness of his frailty and needs.

The hospital sent us home with IV drip bags of the antibiotic and vials so that the local hospital could make more in case they didn't have any in stock. Keith took Jake at 10:00 last night to the St. Stephen hospital emerg and they hooked up his PICC line to a drip for 45 minutes. They went again early this morning - even before I awoke. What a guy.

I have spent the whole morning on phone trying to organize all of the care he'll need and touch bases with doctors and nurses. In speaking with his doctor this a.m. we found out that he's got 2 full weeks more of the antibiotic necessary, and not just 3 days... dang. That changed a lot. Instead of the 3 visits to hospital for the IV's they have set up an antibiotic pump that he'll carry with him in a pack. This will let him do school next week. Poor guy. Like diabetes isn't enough? I am so grateful though for the system in place that will allow him to continue on the meds without having to stay in hospital for that extended time.

The med isn't covered by our insurance and is sky high expensive. We found out that the extra-mural nurse program will be billed instead of us. This is such a gift. 2 weeks of dosing would have crushed our family financially. Social medicine at its finest. Jake's hospital stay, the surgeries & procedures and amazing medical care, even insured in the US would strap a family so deeply that it would take years to climb out of that kind of expense. Generosity and grace at it's most practical level. We are so very grateful.

So while we're "alone" in the 4-of-us sense, we are truly not alone. We are surrounded by friends and a community that is nurturing and supportive. Such a blessing. I read this quote this morning:

"A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten arrows in a bundle"

Japanese Proverb

This past month I have felt the support of our bundle - it has kept us going and in our fragile state from breaking. Thank you.

I heard that you like broken things



thank you bob

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Sunday update on Jacob

Keith called yesterday (Saturday) to tell me that they are thinking about releasing him TODAY! This is a surprise as Monday was the earliest I heard when I was there. He's scheduled for a chest x-ray and a CBC - so if those things come back without any red flags they are talking about releasing him later today. His endocrinologist is the doctor on call, so he's in really good hands as she's more like his aunt than his doctor. She loves him so.

He has a PICC line that they will leave in and he'll have an antibiotic pump that will dose him 4 times a day/night for the next few days - but it will let him be HOME for March Break and his birthday on Wednesday. Woo Hoo!!

He is quite weak and will need a lot of recovery at home too. He's lost a lot of weight and his hemoglobin is really low. We just can hardly believe all four of us could sleep under the same roof tonight. Hopefully the weather will cooperate as they are forecasting some pretty nasty stuff of all sorts headed our way. I'm hoping the Atlantic takes it all and it misses us completely.

Again, we are still holding our collective breath - so please keep praying. Thank you.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

No Vacancy

Being alone with my thoughts and fears at the hospital with Jake these past few weeks has laid me bare in so many places. This quote from Henri Nouwen introduces a concept that I had never heard defined before - it resonates deeply with those bare places I am working through:
We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries, saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Hospital smiles from down under

I had mentioned before that David & Lisa Hayward's son Jesse is in the same hospital that our son Jake is in - we have a mutual blogger friend down in Australia who writes the most beautiful poetry - this is not it - but a little ditty she penned to make us smile - and smile it did - thank you Gracie - who also has her own T1 son and was the one who called me from Oz to let me know to rush Jake to the hospital and I credit her for saving his life! Oh, and for those of you not local, all of the cities around here are named after saints - we live in "The Steve" and Jake is in the hospital in "The John" (there is also "The Fred" and "The George" - didn't want you to think that she was making references to the loo!)
Jesse and Jake are in The John
Not too well with their IVs on
Their Mothers run ragged
And Dads lookin haggard
Come on pain, it’s time
That you were GONE.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mom interrupted…

“Is mom mad at me?” she asked “Is everyone made at me?” she over spoke her brother as he tried to reassure her. The thin curtain dividing our semblance of privacy laid between us and I wanted to rip it back and scream “Yes – I am mad at you! Can’t you see this precious boy right here is fighting for his life? His precious, precious life. The very same life that you tried to throw away?”

I have the utmost sympathy for the girl interrupted. The 15 year old suicide survivor they we wheeled into PICU last night, who snored away the past 12 hours sleeping off whatever drugs she pumped into her system. But today, today I could only think of one thing. This son of mine, lying there fighting infection, being pumped full of who knows what, trying to keep even more unmentionable things out of his system. Today I could think of nothing but those beautiful blue eyes staring up at me pleading for answers I just didn’t have.

I looked deep into those eyes yesterday and told him “I’d give anything for it to be me in that bed instead of you Jacob.”

“No mommy, I wouldn’t want that at all.”

He is so brave. So true. Made for so much more than this.

I screamed “YOU CAN”T HAVE HIM” to God a dozen times on the drive home last night as I keened and poured out all of the deep untold emotion I had banked up during the past three days. Exhaustion so palpable I knew that only the joy of seeing my beautiful daughter kept me from pulling the car to the side of the road to sleep in the cold.

Those blue eyes haunted me. Dr. Shuba, one of his young surgeons joked with Jake earlier in the week before surgery that he was going to give him a Harry Potter scar while under the anesthesia because he reminded him so much of the young wizard.

Yesterday when he came in to check on Jake I caught him at the door. I said, look at those eyes. Today he looks more like Frodo at the end of LOTR – when they begin to CG his eyes. That desperate haunted look the little hobbit gets as the ring weighs heavily on his soul. That was the look I saw in the eyes of my 10 year old today. His body in deep need of healing and reconstruction.
Sam: Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon and the orchards will be in blossom, and the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And the whistle in the summer barley in the Lower fields. And eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing--no veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes.
Sam: Then let us be rid of it, once and for all. I can't carry the ring for you, but I can carry you! Comeon!

My Samwise Gamgee sits next to his bed even now. Faithful father, loving husband. My Samwise will carry Frodo to this next place because I just can’t step one step farther without refilling myself. I am completely empty. Drained of every drop of hope and energy. Young boys shouldn’t have to see the desperate fear in their mothers eyes that had begun to creep into mine.

I longed to grab the mother of that teenage girl and hug her. So very different were our stories, but so very similar was our pain. Our precious offspring lay in those horrible hospital beds surrounded by tubes and pinging equipment that sounded more like a casino than a quiet place of rest.

I wanted to tell her that life is precious and the past is the past – move forward with this second chance you have been given. With this do over – let it be a fresh start to celebrate life and each other. Do everything you can to live. And when things get so tough remember the big blue eyes of my son who is doing everything he can to live.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sunday update

Quick catch up for those who might not know. Our son Jacob has been dealing with stomach issues for month now. He is also a T1 diabetic. It's been difficult to try to tease out the cause. This past week he began vomiting with a total lack of appetite and we assumed it was this horrible virus passing through our community. By late last week it had gotten so bad his endocrinologist recommended a trip to emerg so that we could have his abdomen examined - local hospital sent us to the major hospital and I drove Jake to Saint John.

They had a bed waiting for us in emerg and we spent the next 9 hours being poked, prodded and interviewed by a plethora of talented doctors and nurses. We had brought The Hobbit to read and we were quite content until about 7:00 p.m. - then we got a bit squirrley and really wanted the bed in paeds that they told us about around 5:00. Listening to the swirl of people and the sickness of those around us reminded us that things could be a lot worse.

Jacob's pain wasn't in the right spots and his tolerance was extraordinary. He is one brave, strong boy. Unfortunately this actually got in his way for a diagnosis. They decided to place him in PICU so that they could monitor his BSL as he was on dextrose and insulin drips and fine tuning that ratio wasn't easy. It gave me so much more peace to know that the nurse was immediately there to care for his every need as low BSL at staff change could have been very difficult for both Jake & I. So we kept following the story of the 14 on their search for treasure and watched a couple of movies. (Underdog gets a surprising thumbs up from me and Nim's Island - although I truly wanted to love this film was sappy and so disappointing). X-rays, ultrasounds and bloodwork broke up the monotony and other than Jake's unquenchable thirst we were able to make the most of our time together.

These times for Jake & I are sacred and although they are many times filled pain and fear I truly wouldn't trade them for the world. I only wish the Ali & Keith could share them with us.

The sleep I was able to get was deep and restful. I felt bouyed up by your prayers and rested in the knowledge that we were in the right place and the best of care. I am so grateful for socialized medicine. Not once in this whole time have we had to fear the cost of a test, the length of stay or the stress of an upcoming bill (and this one would be a whopper). It is a generous system and full of grace. Doctors are available and present and treated us like patients instead of paychecks. He has had over a dozen on his case and all are stellar in their care and keeping of our son.

When Jake's white blood cells started to show toxic granules the newest surgeon called in knew that it was time to schedule an appendectimy with deep assurance that if it wasn't his appendix that he had the skill and knowledge to find out what was causing the pain and fix it at the same time. Jacob now affectionately refers to his incision as his "scarth" - in honor of his surgeon Dr. Scarth :D (his anesteciologist was Dr. Nice!) .

I had assured Keith that it would be silly for him to drive up that night as it was going to be a late surgery (10:45 pm) and Jake would be out of it. I never even thought that I might need the support while he was in surgery. Sitting there alone was one of the dumbest things I have ever done. I have an amazing community who would have been there at the drop of the hat, but my only concern was Jake. I don't think I'll ever do that again. It was supposed to be a one hour surgery - so as it passed 12:01 I phoned Keith to wish him a Happy Valentines Day and told him how dumb I was to have put aside his offer to be at my side. I said he needed to talk to me until I saw someone (the whole surgery wing was EMPTY - echos - no foot steps, no other staff - just me. The kind nurse showed me where they kept the heated blankets - oh what a gift they were) because I could feel myself getting a bit frantic and panic was about to set in. I literally saw myself walking down to the surgery room just to peek in the window to assure myself he was still breathing. He was and it was only moments later that they wheeled him into recovery.

The surgeon said that the appendix was exactly where he was having his pain - below his belly button - and it was perforated and had abcessed and the infection was so vile it made a few of them wretch. He told me that as long as they can keep his sugars maintained and infection at bay he would be fine. If not he explained the full course of what horrible things could go wrong (that was the worst time to actually be alone...). Because he's T1 healing isn't always as normal as it is for others. So he's still on his Dextrose/Insulin drips, NO liquids and it could be up to three days.

My son told me yesterday that he was so thirsty that he would drink the toilet water. He begged for ice chips and I finally talked the surgeon into letting him have a very monitored amount. They explained that when the bowel is touched is shuts down. Nothing moves down - and everything is forced up. If he began vomiting life would not be much fun (and he told me there have been patients who actually did drink out of the toilet). He okay'd a few ice chips and Jacob literally cheered. Watching unmet thirst is excruciating. Even when you know it's for their own good.

We looked forward to seeing Dad & Ali and being together again. It was such incredible timing for Keith to be the one caring for Jake this past 24 hours. Dads are so very different than moms. They made a game out of the post-op exercises and he encouraged Jake to recovery that I would have coddled him through. The before bed phone call I had with them last night told me of incredible progress - new breathing exercises because he had blown past the original ones, he had been up, mobile, used the toilet, brushed his teeth and his hair, washed his face at the sink and progressed much farther than the PICU nurse had ever expected. What a relief. I was able to sink into my own bed knowing that I was going to wake up, drink my own coffee (Tim Hortons coffee is way over-rated... but still better than "hospital coffee", so I will try to refrain from complaining) and shower in my own bathroom and head to my church filled with loved ones and a community of deep caring. I was also going to get a chance to put some of this process down here. Not having the ability to type all of this out was bothersome to me. I am truly overwhelmed and blessed by the level of prayers, support and messages we have received. I only wish I had time to read and respond to each one today.

Alinea and I stopped at the grocery on the way home and purched everything we needed to make steak salads together and came home to cook and watch movies. Unfortunately mommie was WAY more tired than she knew and fell asleep at the end of the first. We decided to pass on the second and talked and cried together instead. It was so good to bond with her again and reassure her of my deep love. This has been so hard on her too. I tried to tell her that time didn't equal love, although it sure looks like that sometimes. I told her that it's not like there is one love pie, and the more Jake gets the less she gets - I said "You get your own pie, I love you totally and completely and wholly just for you, and Jake gets his own love pie too - his pieces don't make yours smaller." I hope she knows how deeply I miss her and how much I adore her.

Today I will be headed back north to switch with Keith. I've packed a little picnic for us to share together before he goes. I deeply miss him too. The psychic toll this takes on him is pretty extreme. I know that this too shall pass and we will all be together again soon. We should have a better estimate on recovery time this morning when they are able to see how Jake is progressing. They left a vent in (I call it his Purple Heart) - a little drain so that the fluids can get out and not create another abcess. Once that dries up and his bowel begins to do its job again the next hurdle will be the reintroduction of fluids and eventually solids. The ease with which his BSL have been maintained while on the IV drip has been a wonderful vacation from that stress. Real life will begin to kick in again and counting carbs, calculating insulin doses and maintaining his levels will soon be our responsibility again. I am not looking forward to that, especially if he is having any trouble keeping food down. Doing this transition in hospital instead of at home will be a good thing, not the easiest on the family, but important so that we know that his recovery is full.

Coolest connection in the middle of difficulty. I came home to see a prayer request from church that mentioned the hospital - one of my blogger friends from before moving out east - the Naked Pastor - David Hayward - (who lives in Rothesay) son, Jesse is also at SJRH and Keith was able to connect with them last night to give that mutual hospital support that only those going through similar circumstances seem to be able to understand. I look forward to connecting with he and Lisa (and Jesse) today. While you're praying for Jake, could you mention Jesse. He's a university student and is struggling with an undiagnosed illness and his appetite is non-existent and he's quite ill. Amazing family and a joy to be able to connect f2f since moving to NB.

Again, thank you all for praying and supporting us. We can tell. It's always the time when moving away from family that we feel it most deeply. Being surrounded by such an incredible amount of support and love makes all the difference. God bless you all!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Watching my words

Words, words, words. Our society is full of words: on billboards, on television screens, in newspapers and books. Words whispered, shouted, and sung. Words that move, dance, and change in size and color. Words that say, "Taste me, smell me, eat me, drink me, sleep with me," but most of all, "buy me." With so many words around us, we quickly say: "Well, they're just words." Thus, words have lost much of their power.

Still, the word has the power to create. When God speaks, God creates. When God says, "Let there be light" (Genesis 1:3), light is. God speaks light. For God, speaking and creating are the same. It is this creative power of the word we need to reclaim. What we say is very important. When we say, "I love you," and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, "I hate you," we can destroy another person. Let's watch our words.